


Around You

by saesai



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 16:12:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2738780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saesai/pseuds/saesai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla is a new student in Laura’s sophomore class, while Laura is the star of the women’s baseball team. Also, she's kind of a jock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first serious fanfiction in general, plus I'm not native english speaker so sorry about any mistakes or weird constructions in advance. Also, I'm really sorry if I got something about baseball wrong, I tried to research it as much as I could.  
> Non-vampire, just normal humans.
> 
> Title comes from [Ingrid Michaelson - Over You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdVH8FnG2sQ)
> 
> My wonderful beta for this chapter - [fae.](http://sexyhairyjesusleg.tumblr.com/)

Laura ran as fast as she could, trying not to get distracted by people shouting at her. A few people were standing behind the fence, looking at her in disbelief. The small girl slipped just past the other girl’s legs, touching the last base with her hand. Her heart stopped for a moment when she thought they had touched her. The score on the board changed, signalizing that she’d scored the last point for her team. She sighed in relief, standing up and with one fast motion brushing off the dust from her arm. Everything was blurry around her, muffled voices resonating behind her. She turned, fixating on her teammates, who were walking towards her. Only their captain, Danny Lawrence, was running with big smile plastered on her face.

Laura couldn't help but smile too, even if she didn't know what was going on. She didn't have time to look at redhead, she was deaf to everything around her. She was shocked, adrenaline still circulating through her veins like crazy. Suddenly she felt someone shaking her, and to her surprise, it was Danny. She lifted the smaller girl, now with her teammates gathering to help the big giant carry her. They were so happy, but at the end, Laura couldn't even believe she had done it.

***

Everyone had been peering at Laura strangely since their last match. It was well known that baseball team was essentially the representation of Silas High School. Of course, they had other teams, like soccer or basketball, but they were never as good as the baseball team. Oddly enough, only women wanted to play it, thus there was no interest in making a male league whatsoever. Laura thought it was strange, but she couldn't be happier that they didn't make male team. Baseball got sponsored the most, which was a great relief to Danny. She was always worried about old equipment, and after their last match they had the chance to buy new jackets. Laura was wearing one right now, with a big Silas Baseball Team logo, which was a proud knight with a tiger. It was quite debatable which one of logos they should use, but after taking the Silas High School main image into consideration they finally decided. It was neat, and no one else had anything like that.

Laura stopped in front of her locker, sighing again. She opened it while listening to two girls across her. They were talking passionately about someone whom she didn't know. It wasn't a habit of hers to pry, but Laura couldn't help herself. They were talking about some new girl in their school, not very positively it seemed. Laura shrugged, taking out her books and closing her locker.

She walked into her English class, taking her seat at the front of the room. Laura always sat here, trying to pay attention to her classes. Even if she was part of the baseball team, she still had to be at least in the top 10 of her class, or else her dad would kill her. He always wanted her to have good grades, so he wouldn't let her participate in baseball if she didn't keep them. She tried as hard as she could to make him happy and proud of her, Laura never wanted to disappoint him in the first place.

She looked around and met with a few curious gazes and smiles, which she returned like she always had to do. Laura was actually popular among her peers, even more than Danny herself. While Lawrance didn't hesitate to do something that could lessen their opinion of her, Laura tried to be polite. As dorky as she could be, she really tried to keep her image. At first she never really cared about it, but after a while she had decided that it had its own benefits. Laura always doubted she would be as popular as she was now without being a part of the baseball team, but she had no reason to complain aside from all those weird boys asking her out every week - but thanks to Danny she had a reason to turn them down. She felt bad using her friend as an excuse, but Danny always said it was okay, so it made the small girl feel a bit better.

Laura glanced at the teacher, who was in his thirties, with perfect gelled hair and an oversized shirt. He smiled, looking at a girl who was following him. At first Laura didn’t see her, too absorbed in her own thoughts. The new girl wore an oversized red flannel with a dark and somewhat transparent shirt underneath, black slim fits with holes on at the knees and big army boots. She had a black bracelet with spikes on her wrist and bored expression plastered on her face. She practically shot daggers into the teacher’s back.

“Hello, class. For this semester we will have a new student. Care to introduce yourself?” he said, smiling at the girl, who was now rolling her eyes. Laura thought it was quite ungrateful, while rest of the class perused her.

“I'm Carmilla Karnstein,” she said in such a forced tone that it seemed exaggerated. The teacher nodded his head, looking at everyone in the room and, suddenly, when he saw Laura, his eyes gleamed.

“Laura, can you please show Miss Karnstein our school after class? I hope it's not a burden for you,” he said to her, smiling sincerely. Laura really didn't want to do it, but she had to; she couldn't turn down his proposition. She smiled, trying to make it not seem faked, and nodded eagerly.

“Of course, that's not a problem.” Laura then glanced at Carmilla, who didn't even bother to make eye contact with her. She looked too bored for her own good, as if she was forced to be here, which surely wasn't true. Carmilla rolled her eyes at Laura's answer, moving as fast as she could to the end of the class. Laura couldn't stop herself, so she just peeked at her while she was walking. Something was really intriguing about that girl, even if her attitude was nothing but horrible.

***

After the class ended, Laura approached the brunette, who now was standing near the door. She was trying to read her schedule, it seemed, and Laura smiled seeing the grimace on her face. Her brows were narrowed, lips slightly formed in a pout, and somehow the smaller girl found it a bit adorable. She smiled sincerely at her, ignoring the fact that brunette wasn’t even bothering to look in the blonde’s direction. 

“Uhh, Carmilla, yes? The teacher asked me to show you around, so, kinda, wanna do it now?” Laura looked at her, slightly distressed. She really didn't know how to talk with Carmilla yet, especially after her previous display. She had mixed feelings about this one; sure, she was intriguing, but it wasn't enough to cover her rudeness and apathy.

When Carmilla realised that Laura had been staring at her for a few seconds, she instantly looked at her and narrowed her eyebrows furiously. “I really don't need your fake kindness, cutie. Don't you have some meetings to attend, boyfriends to blow off or show off how perfect you are elsewhere?” she said with mocking tone. Laura felt hurt, but most of all, she had no idea why the other girl was so unbearably mean. The blonde stared in awe, feeling this stupid hotness in her chest. She was angry at her, yet Laura had to do this because she couldn't say no to their teacher.

“Look, let's not make this more difficult than it already is. I see that you're having trouble with your schedule, so just let me show you around, okay? Can you at least try?” Laura looked at her like a kicked puppy, and Carmilla just rolled her eyes slightly and smirked, putting the stack of paper deep into her pocket.

“Fine, whatever.” She waved her off, following Laura out of the class. Carmilla stared at other girl's jacket for a while, but then just huffed to herself.

And Laura couldn't help but gaze at Carmilla when she wasn't looking.


	2. The Disdain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beautiful beta - [cere](http://thun-der.tumblr.com/)!

Laura gazed at LaFontaine, still with cup of warm cocoa in her hands. They were sitting in diner near their highschool, skipping on a lunch break. LaFointane wanted to take Laura to cafeteria, but blondie insisted on drinking her cocoa. She liked it, and somehow it made her feel better, especially when she was upset and LaF clearly was able to see it. They agreed without much of a fuss. Now, with hands cupping the coffee cup, they were listening to other girls rambling. Laura, on the other hand, was narrowing her brows furiously, sitting stiff like a board. She already placed her mug on the table, now she was moving her hands in air chaotically, trying to highlight her own words. Her heart was racing, mostly because of anger and disappointment, and she couldn't control it. Laura was rather more expressive when it comes to emotions, often even exaggerating a bit.

“I can't believe it, Laf! I did everything I could, but she's just unbearable! I've tried, but no matter what I do it's pointless! She's always rude, acting like she's forced to even go to school, you know? It's just --” she didn't even have occasion to end, before being abruptly cut out by Laf.

“Laura, breathe. Maybe you should give her a chance? Chance to meet her better, instead of judging her after... how long? One day of spending together, really? She's new, maybe she needs some time to get around,” Laf said with a skeptical look on their face.

“I gave her plenty of chances, Laf! Why should I care about her when she acts like apathetic, spoiled brat who hates people, not only just me?” Laura almost shouted, her lips formed into one thin line.

“Come on. Maybe she had some tragic backstory involving being abducted by unidentified flying objects and extraterrestrial beings?” they said, laughing, while Laura frowned more and rolled her eyes.

“Can you be serious for one second, LaF? It's a serious matter!”

“Right, right. Like I said, try and give her a chance. Maybe she's a good person in depth, but she's shielding herself because of some Idontwantobehurt issues? You'll never know if you don't try, Laura,” LaF said, deadpanned.

They never really spoke to Carmilla before, but they saw her during lessons sitting in the front. She was rude, snarky and unapologetic even while speaking with another classmates. LaF never really took the opportunity to approach her, especially since she always gazed down at everyone. Carmilla was type of person that everyone avoids, not like it was hard. She often vanished during breaks, no one knew why. Perry always keep saying that Carmilla is smoking somewhere, due to her stereotypical punky attire. Lola, on the other hand, really dislikes Carmilla. She keeps saying that her attitude won't do her any good later in life, and at the end she'll be alone, but it doesn't seem to bother Carmilla at all, or at least she seemed unphased.

It was a week after brunette's transfer and Laura never spoke to her after that day when she had to show her around. Obviously she saw her during lessons, staring at her back. Carmilla often would catch Laura's gaze and smile, which made her turn her head in another direction. It was weird for blondie, since their last meeting ended with a nasty blast. She thought that Carmilla just wanted to see her embarrassed as much as possible, which wasn't exactly untrue.

While Laura was showing her around, she tried to make snarky remarks about everything. At the end her and Carmilla argued heavily, mainly because blonde couldn't handle it anymore. Laura was done with her façade and started to point out Carmilla's disgusting behaviour. She had no time to wrangle with unapologetic and vain people, especially in school where everyone could see them. Carmilla started to call her names and so on, acting like she didn't do it for previous hours. Laura walked off on her, leaving her standing deadpanned. She was sure she had never been so angry like that day, not because of one person. Now she's upset again, mainly because she had to tell LaFontaine what happened. They asked her over, and she really didn't have any time to meet with them this week and talk.

“Why are you defending her?”

“Because I know that people are complex. They're not plain as you might think, and I think that there's something under her horrible façade and punk clothes. Maybe she is a decent human or maybe my judgment is wrong. It's not for me to see,” they said, smiling behind their empty coffee cup.

“Fine, I give up. Maybe I should have talked to Perry about it.” Laura said, hiding her face in her own hands.

“Perry would tell you the same. Just don't be so critical. It's not like she will use you.”

Laura felt familiar sting in her heart, her face dropping immediately. Her grip loosened, eyebrows rising up. It reminded her of that moment when her heart fluttered, when she felt in love with someone who used her. She thought she was over it, but deeply she will never be.

“I'm sorry Laura, I didn't mean to. I think we should come back though, what do you think?” they offered her a reassuring and apologetic smile, but Laura just shrugged and smiled widely like there was no pain in her chest, standing up and throwing the paper cup away.

***

Laura sat in her class, looking at the board. She was sitting in the second row, first one entirely occupied by Carmilla and several other girls. Now, she wasn't here, leaving an empty space ahead of her. It wasn't like it occupied blonde's mind at all, it was just new. No one really seemed to notice the absence of her though, which was a little sad. Supposedly being the only one new student in class is a really rough time, especially to break ice with others and befriend someone. Laura thought about what LaF had said hour ago, but she still was reluctant about listening to her friends advices. It wasn't like LaFontaine isn't the best, just sometimes their help wasn't exactly what she wanted. That's why Perry is here – to correct their mistakes whenever they were wrong.

Laura didn't even notice that people around her started to pack their things. She stared in amusement at them, trying to move on her thoughts. However, she was interrupted by no one else but Danny herself. The big one was standing here near the door frame, looking at her. Danny was the captain of their Baseball team, plus she was already a senior so the possibility of losing her next year was crucial to Laura. She didn't want to part with her friend, but she would have to.

Blonde walked to her, smiling sincerely for the first time today. Danny was wearing her special captain jacket with their team's emblem on it. She smiled back, hugging the little girl and pulling away really fast.  


“Hey there. Ready for training, small one?” she said, starting to walk behind the group of kids.

“Hey. Of course I am, see this big smile? I'm so ready for it.” Laura said a bit too eagerly, and even if Danny caught it she didn't comment. The truth was that Laura didn't want to go to training today, but she couldn't tell that to Danny and disappoint her. She was one of the few people who had the biggest expectations of her, or so thought Laura, and she didn't want to let her down. All of her life she had to cope other's expectations towards her, but the redhead somehow was special, mostly because she was one of her dearest friends whom she knew for so long. Laura really couldn't tell her that she can't practice today because of LaFontaine and some stupid girl who made her angry.

They walked towards the locker rooms, Danny rambling about something and Laura pretending that she heard it all. She didn't want to be rude to her, she just turned off along the way. Everything she heard at the end was just Danny talking about Zetas and their party, and this guy Kirsch who invited her.

“You should go with him, really. He seems.... nice.” she said.

“I know he does, but he's from Zetas. He's always talking about his bros and some nonsense, besides he seems pretty blunt. He annoyed me a year ago, but now I'm considering it.” Danny sighed. It was true, these two had a really strong argument a year ago. It ended with Danny throwing something at Kirsch and insulting his Zetas, while he kept calling her weird made-up phrases with “amazon” in it. They never got along, but it looks like time changes everyone, even the biggest enemies.

“If he's sincere about it you should say yes. Maybe he changed and his intentions are pure. Everyone deserves the second chance, don't they?” Laura said, smiling at Danny weakly.

“I guess they do, but I still don't trust him. Remember the time he and his Zeta dumbasses threw worms at _our_ team last year? It was some kind of a prank, but even today it sounds stupid. What if he treats it as some kind of a prank again?” Danny aforementioned with some uncertain light in her eyes, and even the sign of it made Laura feel bad for her friend.

“Be prepared and go. High School is all about wild experiences, not worrying if the boy you supposedly dislike might throw a prank on you. Have fun and don't sweat it.”

“I guess you're right, Laura”

***

Laura stood here, with a bat in her hands. Her grip hardened, eyes focused on the ball flying so fast in her direction. In the last second she moved her arms, then shoulders and hips all at once and hit it. The ball flew above Danny's head and Laura drop the bat in a second, her legs shot to run as fast as possible. Laura almost stumbled and fell at first, but she kept her balance. She ran past Danny, who was now smiling at her. One of the girl's caught the ball and threw it to another, who now touched Laura before she could reach the base. Laura threw her hands up in the air with angry sigh, stomping her foot on the ground.

Danny and a few other girl's laughed at this, but Laura was just irritated. She almost always could have made it, but now she wasn't in her best condition. Danny put her hand on the smaller girl's shoulder in a protective manner, teasing her a bit before resuming their little warm-up match.

Laura stood here at the first base, stretching a bit. Suddenly she caught brief glimpse of something, or rather someone sitting at the bleachers. She didn't really care who it was, more focusing on her objective than random spectators.

But it wasn't someone random, it was Carmilla.

She sat here all day behind the bleachers, hiding from the eyes of stupid people. She got tired and skipped the class, but she had to be sneaky and not let anyone catch her. It got boring after one hour of looking at anything in particular, so she decided to read Descartes or any other philosophy book she had in her backpack. It always fascinated her how complex humans were and how many other outlooks they can have. She became interested in it during her last year of Middle School, and she couldn't help but fall in love with philosophy. It was her jam.

Carmilla didn't even realised when others showed up, breaking her perfect silence she found herself into. She climbed onto the bleachers, looking straight at people practising right now. It was quite entertaining, she might've said. Not in her tastes, but it somehow made her evening feel less dull.

It was true that Carmilla behaved terrible towards people, but even someone like her had the right to peek in. Especially after she saw that tiny blonde girl she really despised. It didn't matter that her character was nothing but horrible mess, she was something worth looking at, even if Carmilla didn't have the willpower to admit to herself that she can actually enjoy the view. So she leaned backwards and, with a smirk on her face, watched their practise.

***

Laura smiled to Danny, whom she was walking out of the locker rooms with.

“Do you want me to walk with you? That's not a problem, really.”

“No, but thank you, I can handle things from here”.

They said their goodbyes and parted near the bleachers. Laura was in high spirits now, until she heard the raspy voice cutting her through like a knife. Immediately she regretted her decline to Danny's offer.

“Nice one, cupcake. Didn't think you had this in you, the willpower of a lioness.” she said with a distant voice full of wonder, unlike her normal hasty and despising tone. Laura looked up, startled by unsuspecting appearance of Carmilla.

“Jesus, Carmilla, do you enjoy startling people? You scared me.” she said, sighing loudly. Laura sounded exhausted, just like she looked.

“Well, not everyone, just the certain person standing in front of me. Rough day?” and now Carmilla is back to her vain self, how sweet.

“It was more pleasant without your sudden appearance.”

“Now, I was here first, but you just overlooked me. Not very nice of you.”

“What do you want, Carmilla? Trying to bring me down again, just like you did previously? I really don't need to deal with your snicker right now. Can't you just try and be nice for ten minutes?” she started to lose her façade, fists clenched and shaking.

“How very thoughtful of you, but maybe you should have considered that I'm not a pleasant person at all? That maybe no one cared how well I behaved, there would always be no one who cared. No one really cares, even if they say so.” she said with blank expression on her face.

“I would care, but why do you seem to bother about anyone else's opinion when you don't care about yourself at all?!”

“That's not what I---”

“That's enough, Carmilla. Maybe you should have considered that there are people who actually wanted to get to know you. They wanted, but then, you didn't care. You never really did.”

“What a fierce judgment. You thought you got me all cracked after a week, didn't you? Well, that's not how it is, sweetie. The world doesn't revolve all around you and your opinions. Why would I care about someone as blunt as you are,” now, it wasn't all apathetic, it was pure anger in her eyes burning.

“Right, especially since you didn't even bothered to get to know me at all, not even a bit. You started up by insulting me straight up, and whose judgmental here?!” Laura shouted.

“Well, maybe you should have thought about why that is. You're not as innocent as you view yourself, buttercup.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?”

And with that, Carmilla jumped out of the bleachers and stood here face-to-face with Laura. She was maybe two, three inches taller than blonde. She smirked, but it wasn't sincere, it looked like devilish grin. She leaned a bit and Laura suddenly felt intimidated by her presence.

“It's supposed to mean that you're one of a two faced, fake bitches who's trying so hard to maintain her reputation. What are you scared of? People knowing your little secret and hating you? Bullying? Tons of hateful gapes instead of kind ones? Are you really that hollow and swallow, sweetie?” Carmilla couldn't hold it any longer, she just busted open like a volcano, angrily clenched her jaw and, oh boy, it hurts. Her hateful gape was entirely focused on the smaller girl, who now looked like she was about to cry. Laura's face was red, her fists shaking so hard she was barely able to keep them under control.

Just that she didn't keep, and there was a loud thud, swirl of air and one hand flying.

“Maybe I am, but you're worse than me. You, Carmilla Karnstein, are horrible human being, and when I was about to follow what LaF said, you've ruined it all, again. I hope to never see your face or hear your voice again,” single tears started to fall down her cheeks, with such a heartbroken expression on her face that it made Carmilla melt inside. Laura turned around and headed up to the end of the stadium, while she was wiping her tears away.The brunette never felt worse in her life, nor had she really made someone cry. The red mark on her cheek started to itch. 

And Carmilla couldn't stop but gape at Laura when she was walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it!


	3. The Formal p. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More dialogues and fluff this time!
> 
> Also thanks to my beta - [cere!](http://thun-der.tumblr.com/)

_Laura was standing near the window, now looking at house in front of it. Everyone was at party, but she wasn't able to go. Her boyfriend was here a few minutes before, but she had to turn him down. It made her cringe, with a guilt deep in her stomach. Laura had never been to a party in her entire life. Her father always prohibited it, thinking it would've been too dangerous for his only daughter. He was too afraid to lose another person he loved. Since her mother's passing his health went down and it started to worry Laura._

_The truth is, everything was too dangerous for her. She was irritated with the fact her own dad was sheltering her. She was that dorky, awkward, weak girl next door, or at least that's what boys thought of her in school. Laura always had to smile to mask the fact that she really wanted to punch them in their ugly face._

_Laura was too annoyed by their petty insults, and taking krav maga since she was 8 made her fist a deadly weapon. She often got too carried away by her emotions, throwing tons of insults back and starting really unpleasant arguments. It was silly of her to get involved in trash talk with dumbasses and she knew it._

_Once she punched some blunt boy in 9th grade. It happened when he called LaFontaine multiple names, including “stupid tranny.” She was able to fight her own battles, not afraid of anything that would possibly harm her. But she wasn't ready to get lectured by her own dad and headmaster of her middle school._

_Now, Laura really wanted to go. It was quite a decision for her – accept her father's will or completely stand against him. It was too wrong to her, to ignore his words. Out of nowhere she heard an object hitting her window. She opened it, now looking straight at her boyfriend in window next door. He smiled sincerely, sending her a text. Laura looked at her phone and then at him, who now had these big puppy eyes with nothing but pure affection in them. She was a freshman in high school, she had right to party a little. When she saw him all of her decisions become blurry, now with one goal in her mind. Laura picked up her backpack and slowly tried to step on her rooftop. She stumbled, barely keeping her balance with one leg. Her boyfriend sent her a horrified gaze, his knuckles whitening at the end. He quickly disappeared, leaving Laura alone._

_After a, what seemed like ages, minute he appeared under her house. She was now looking down and threw her backpack to him. He caught it, now looking at the big tree near the rooftop. It was so close she could jump and catch it, but Laura was too afraid to try. It looked like she was stuck here. Blondie breathed slowly, moving to the nearest branches. She clung to it for her dear life and jumped on the tree, feeling strange sharp thing so close to her leg she wanted to scream. The boy was now under her with his arms lifted up. He didn't even try to help her somehow, just stood here. She get down as fast as possible and landed in his arms. He hugged her and she kissed his cheek, both now heading to the house._

_And somehow, Laura felt like she disappointed her father. And it was like that, when she came back home at 3AM smelling like alcohol and feeling horrible and ecstatic at the same time, and her daddy couldn't quite understand why she would do that. He gave her a lecture and grounded her for month, shaking his head with hurt in his brown eyes._

_Since then Laura never tried to disappoint him and see that glimpse again._

***

Laura sat at the last table near the window in cafeteria. It was full of populars from various teams, however mostly from baseball one. On the other hand, she was observing people playing outside with a frisbee. It was utterly boring activity, but Laura had nothing better to do. She really didn't want to talk to anyone or participate in discussion about Winterfest. Laura picked up a plastic pork and started to peck her mashed potatoes.

Danny stabbed her side with her elbow, and it finally gained Laura's attention. She looked up with confused expression on her face. Danny stared at her worriedly, touching her arm gently after a while.

“What's wrong, Laura? You seem troubled,” the redhead was now leaning closer, with her brows up and concerned look on her face.

“It's nothing, really.” she smiled sincerely, and then Danny dropped her hand.

“Are you sure? You've been like this for a month, Laura,” she said, and it was completely true.

“I'm sure, but thank you. Anyway, uh, have you heard about Winterfest?” she quickly changed the topic to make sure Danny wasn't worrying anymore. She hated lying to her, but her concern wasn't something to share with anyone, not even the redhead. It seemed easy, to vent, but Laura really couldn't admit, even to herself, that Carmilla's words gave her a hard time. She was flawed, but brunette's words were like a knife deep into her heart. Laura told herself she shouldn't care, but it didn't stop her self doubting train of thoughts.

“Of course I have. Actually, Kirsch asked me to go with him,” she said, lips formed in one thin line. Danny hesitated with her answer for a moment, but Laura just smirked. She was happy for her friend, Danny really deserved someone who would make her truly delighted. If that was Kirsch's role in her life, then be it. It's not like she disliked him or something, he was a nice young boy. Kirsch was one of the most honorable Zetas, with rules and morals he never broke. Laura never doubted they would make it at the end, even if he and Danny had really rough start.

They fit together, she would thought, with a small hint of undefined emotion hidden deeply in bottom of her heart.

Maybe she was a bit jealous, only a bit, but she didn't want to admit that.

“Are you going with someone?” said Danny, breaking Laura's wistfulness.

“No. I'm not even sure if I'll go,” it wasn't the fact that Laura had no suitors asking her to come with them. She didn't want to go with any of the boys anymore. Something seemed off with all of them, in fact, Laura didn't want to have a boyfriend anymore since her last one during her freshman year. It was weird, come to think of it. At the end she'd rather go with friend than some horny teenage boy.

“Why not? You definitely should. There will be everyone from our team, and I'm pretty sure you need some fun.”

“I don't know, Danny. I don't even have a date,” she said, sighing.

“You can always say yes to one of those silly boys, just for one day or come alone if you want. It's not prohibited.”

“I know but... Oh damn it!” she groaned.

“Well, it's not like you didn't turn down everyone who asked you,” said Danny in a teasing tone.

“It's not--- Well, okay, it is! I did, and now what? I'd rather sit and study for exams than go humiliate myself,” Laura frowned.

“I would go with you but I already agreed, unless you want me to-” she was cut off abruptly.

“You need to go with him, Danny. I'll just have to go without a date,” she smiled, leaning into her chair. She gaped at people sitting next to her, now they were talking passionately about someone. Laura turned her head around and saw their target of conversation, legs placed on the table, sitting alone and trying to peck on her potatoes. Carmilla glimpsed in her direction, smirking sadly. Laura quickly looked away, hiding her face behind her own hands. Danny just sent her a hopeless glare after she saw who she was looking at.

“You can always talk to me if you want, Laura. What's going on between you and that punk?” she said, leaning more to Laura.

“Nothing, nothing, it's just... I want to murder her with my own bare hands,” she admitted, groaning.

“Why's that? I never saw you two talking really.”

“She's just mean, broody and really snarky. We argued a few times with little to no reason, she never really apologised and I'm sure she never will! LaF told me to give her chance and it ended with another argument. I just want to avoid her completely before it gets us both into trouble, you know? I mean I understand she could be troubled and angsty or something; because she seems to be that type but who gave her right to judge me like that when she doesn't even know me? And-- oh my god I know I'm rambling but she's just so annoying--” she said peeking from between her hands at Danny, who now stared in amusement.

“You never really mentioned that. Are you sure you can handle it alone?” Danny's tone was protective, and it almost made Laura cringe. She sounded almost like her dad when he was concerned. Since her mother's passing he took care of her. He became too overprotective, trying to shut his own daughter in her own walls forever. He never listened to her apologies, even if he wanted the very best for her. Laura could understand him, but sometimes Danny reminded her of him too much to look into her eyes again.

“It's okay, Danny. I can handle myself,” she said looking at her. Laura sometimes wanted to scream at Danny for her striking resemblance to her classmates and own father. They always thought Laura was nothing but that sweet girl who needs protection, while she wasn't like that. She could protect herself and fight her own battles, but they never understood it.

“I believe you, Laura, but if you ever wanted someone to talk to, you know where to call.”

“I know, thank you Danny.”

Laura stood up, taking her tray with her. She exchanged her goodbyes with Danny and headed up to the storage. When she was about to turn around and leave, she walked into Carmilla who clasped her hands on Laura's shoulders, successfully helping her to regain her balance instead of tripping. She closed her eyes for a second, hoping that it's just a dream, but alas it wasn't. She opened them, now looking straight into Carmilla's eyes. She was truly shocked, staring in awe at Laura. After a second she let go of her.

“Slow down, cupcake, where's the fire?” she joked, acting like nothing happened between them. It was almost a month since their last quarrel and they never spoke again. Carmilla sat in the last row while Laura still occupied the front one. They rarely saw each other, and while they do Carmilla acted like she didn't care and nothing of it happened. Laura had to avoid her, and now she was standing in front of her.

“Nowhere, and now if you'll excuse--” she was just about to turn around and finish her sentence, when Carmilla clasped her hand on her wrist suddenly.

“Laura, I didn't want it to end that way,” there was something up with her tone Laura couldn't describe. Carmilla desperately tried to sound apathetic, but there was something that gave her right away.

“Why are you apologising me?” she said narrowing her eyebrows furiously.

“Stop making assumptions, cupcake. It's just that we are in the same class and it seems like we will be for a long time,” she tried so desperately, Laura thought.

“And you were free to make fake assumptions about my personality when you know nothing about me?” Carmilla shrugged her shoulders at that.

“But I'd like to, one day,” it came out worse than a mere whisper and Laura was almost unable to hear it.

“Excuse me but what?”

“It wasn't quite right of me, like I said, but you weren't fair as well, so stop acting like your fault doesn't matter, sweetie,” and here we are, back to the snarky and pretentious tone.

Laura was just staring at her, now furiously shaking her head in disbelief, “You know what? Fine,” she pulled her hand out of Carmilla's near deathly grip and walked away.

“Fine!” the brunette shouted after her, gaining a few curious gazes from her surroundings. Way to fuck it up, she thought.

***

“Class, as you might know, Winter Formal is about to start next week. Two days ago I put up that box here for you to vote. Time to see who won,” said their homeroom teacher. Truth to be told, Winterfest committee was just two people who had to decorate the gym for upcoming formal, and no one really wanted to do it. People were busy with other more interesting activities than working on decorations with someone they weren't fond of. It was a great occasion to put pranks on someone and vote for them, and Laura really wanted to be voted for. Their baseball season ended weeks ago, now it was the beginning of December. Even if there was no snow laying around, their trainings were over 'till next year. It gave Laura plenty of time to study, but truth to be told it was really boring after some time. Well, she still had one season of Doctor Who to catch on, so her schedule was full for winter break.

Their teacher put his hand in the box, slowly pulling out all of the small papers with votes on it. Everyone was chatting about who's going to be in. LaFontaine eagerly talked with Perry about something, but she was too far away to hear what was it about.

Finally, after five minutes he stood up with a big grin on his face. Laura shivered, she knew him for too long to don't know what does that mean. He cleared his throat, gesturing for everyone to calm down.

“Laura Hollis!” and then everyone clapped, and Laura genuinely smiled while biting her bottom lip. She was too nervous for her own good.

“Carmilla Karnstein,” and with that he frowned a bit, gazing at Carmilla with her legs on second chair. He wasn't sure if she even heard him.

“I'll see you two at 3 in the gym,” he said, and Laura couldn't believe it. She turned her head in LaFontaine's direction, who now was giggling and Perry tried to calm them down. She would know better than this to see through their plotting behind her back. Murder them later, note to self.

And then bell rang and Carmilla sent her a wink after she headed up to the door. Laura couldn't stop thinking how screwed up she was now.

***

Laura was in the gym, sitting at the wooden bleachers and looking straight at the big boxes in the middle of the hall. It wouldn't even that bad, pretend to do it alone and ignore Carmilla all the time. She had a lot of time to think, and she realized she couldn't just do it forever. Especially not now, since they were assigned to something that requires minimum communicating skills and partnership. Laura wasn't really that type of person who never forgives and always remembers. She'd rather forgive someone, due to her typical ingenuous nature. Of course she could just hate Carmilla 'till the end of the world, but it was tiring. Avoiding her at all costs, pretending that her words weren't hurtful at all. But then, it would lead to another argument and Laura wanted to keep peace between them. And who knows, maybe one day they'll become friends instead of deadly enemies. It was her moment to act mature and shine.

Carmilla walked in unnoticed, looking at Laura's back while sneaking behind her. She sat next to her, startling the blondie. Laura almost jumped, with her hand on her fast pounding heart. She goggled at Carmilla with wide open eyes, sighing and relaxing after a moment. Carmilla couldn't stop but smile, and oh how adorable Laura was, she thought. It was easier for the brunette to completely not care about Laura, but she found herself unable to ignore her hurt face every time she laid eyes on her.

They sat in silence for over ten minutes, Laura the first one to break it.

“I'm sorry,” she said with apologetic tone, too afraid to look into the other girls eyes.

“Why are you sorry, cupcake? You did nothing wrong,” there was something in Carmilla's tone that she tried to hide every time she spoke to her.

“Well, I thought that maybe we can somehow get along considering the fact that we will spend another eight hours trying to decorate this place and it would be easier without arguing constantly and throwing insults at each other like silly kids -- _and maybe at the end you're not as bad as I thought you are_ ,” she said almost in one breath and it made Carmilla laugh. It was sincere, not mockingly like she always considered her attitude. She wasn't teasing her nor insulting in any way for the first time in forever, and it was sure worth a note.

“Sure, it's worth a shot,” she said, supporting her chin with her fist. She watched her, while Laura tried to come up with some ice breaker. She thought it was stupid to try to reach out to her so much after what she did, but she had to if they were supposed to work together.

“You know, cupcake, I--” Carmilla was cut mid sentence when their teacher walked in, Laura enthusiastically jumped off the bleachers and walked up to the old man. Carmilla rolled her eyes so much they almost fell out of her skull. She sighed and followed Laura, standing next to their homeroom teacher.

“Okay, girls, you need to decorate it. Here's the project of this years Formal theme, you don't need to follow all of it if it won't fit in,” he handed a paper to Laura, who was now looking at it curiously.

“You have a week for it, you can ask someone else to help if the two of you isn't enough. You can find me in my office if you need help with something. Some seniors already helped a little and left these boxes for you, so good luck with everything,” he said and headed back to the door, leaving both of them alone. Carmilla sat next to one of the boxes, trying to open it and looking inside. After pulling out a lot of fluffy blue chains she rolled her eyes and sat cross-legged.

Laura glanced at her and sighed, pulling out one big golden chain and long lights. She walked up to the ladders on one of the walls, trying to climb on them with one hand full of chains. Carmilla looked at her and her determination with bemusement, trying not to giggle. Laura somehow climbed up and stuck her hand between one of the steps, now furling them behind the ladders.

After a while she climbed down, staring at Carmilla angrily with eyebrows furrowed and hands on her hips.

“I need your help, Carmilla. Can you move and do something?” she said, her face tense and Carmilla sighed, not moving even an inch.

“I'm afraid that I might not be able to help you, or even move at all. I don't care about it and what will you do,” said brunette, rolling her eyes.

“Oh my god, come on!” Laura walked towards her, grabbing one of the boxes while Carmilla was piercing her curiously with her gaze. After a second she stood behind her and turned that box upside down, now with its contents splattered all over Carmilla. She whimpered, moving her hands chaotically trying to get rid of chains now all over her. Laura giggled at that and Carmilla just rolled her eyes. She stood up, grabbing one of the boxes and splashed it on Laura. Now, they were throwing golden and blue decorations at each other like kids.

***

And for the first time since Laura met Carmilla she thought that there's something more to her than her rude attitude. In moments like this, when brunette lost herself and forgot about people around her and boundaries, Laura was able to see her true nature. She was giggling like a schoolgirl, enjoying mundane activities and burying Laura under layers of blue chains. It was nice, to witness something others wouldn't be able to see behind all those layers.

She was a lot more complex that Laura would ever gave her credit for, and at the end she wasn't “just pretentious asshole”. She could laugh and be gentle, just like a normal human being. The blondie gazed at Carmilla, who now was struggling with the biggest box there is, probably with Christmas tree. Sometimes it was hard to remember that under her rude and sassy layer there's something better. People probably get too discouraged or annoyed to even care about it, no one really wanted to know her better. It made Laura cringe a bit, how shallow teenagers were, including her.

Sudden loud thud ended Laura's reflexions, forcing her to look into Carmilla's direction. She tried to move the big box, but it landed on the ground. Laura quickly walked over to her, trying to pull it out from the box. When they succeed, they somehow placed it on four brackets with a little help of substantial ladder. Laura stared at it, mostly afraid it will fall anytime, but it didn't. It was really big, reaching near half of the gym, but also plastic and fake. She didn't know why their school didn't bring up the real tree, but she never questioned. It made their job a lot easier than to take care of a real one, plus it didn't really left needles everywhere.

Carmila sighed loudly and Laura just glanced at her.

“I don't want to do it, cupcake. I'll leave it to you,”

Laura looked at her, and Carmilla gave her a questioning gaze. The blondie grabbed one of their longest blue chain and put it on Carmilla's neck, now standing in front of her.

Laura was gazing at her, a bit too long without saying anything. Carmilla broke eye contact and covered her hands with her own. Suddenly, the blondies heart started to pound and her breath stopped for a moment. She was afraid she'll pass because of lack of oxygen, but it didn't happen. Laura was looking straight into her eyes, and she couldn't read anything from Carmilla's face. The other girl's lips were formed into a thin line, while deeply in Laura's stomach a horde of butterflies set up their home here.

It would be perfect, but suddenly Carmilla stepped back and took the chain, silently trying to put it on the tree. Laura helped her, and they continued in silence.

“Maybe we will do it tomorrow, what do you think?” said Laura, breaking the awkward tension. Carmilla breathed in with a fake smirk plastered on her face.

“Good idea,” she said and helped the smaller girl to pack up everything.

***

It was Friday, the last day before Winterfest. They worked only for two out of five days left because Carmilla didn't come and Laura really don't want to do it alone. Today she was able to catch the brunette before her sudden disappearance again. Her behaviour was quite odd for Laura. Carmilla either vanished and tried to distance herself or avoided her. The blondie didn't want to push her too much, so she never asked why. She never caught brunette's gaze again during lesson, and when she did there was confusion instead of typical wink and flirty attitude. And then Laura still didn't know how to feel about her. She don't hate her, that's for sure, but she don't like her neither. It was that neutral state between complete disdain and understanding. Sure, it was confusing, and Laura still felt annoyed by brunette's mean attitude, however it was better than before.

Now they were standing in front of the tree, Laura up at the ladder with a star in her hands. She placed it at the top, smiling sincerely. Carmilla was looking at her with hesitation and some unknown emotion, hidden deeply into the bottom of her heart. She smirked, raising the plug of the lights. She moved up to the socket, plugging it in and turning the main lights off. Now, Carmilla was standing near Laura, their bodies illuminated by different colours, mostly red and blue. Walls were bathed in golden afterglow coming from the chains. It was breathtaking for Laura, who was biting her bottom lip and pecking her shirts sleeve.

“Do you hate me, Carmilla? Is that why you've been avoiding me since forever?” she said, not able to face Carmilla at the moment. She could swear the other girl was digging holes in her body only with her piercing gaze. There was a long silence until Carmilla spoke with trembling voice, trying to hide her nervousness with typical rude tone.

“Not really, cutie, different reasons” she said, smirking and facing her for the first time.

There was a strange glimpse in her brown eyes, eyebrows lifted up and fists slammed on both of her sides. Laura was sure she hated her, everything gave her that vibe. She smiled sadly, trying to turn around when Carmilla's hands suddenly touched her shoulders, her whole body leaning closer to Laura's.

And then, she suddenly stepped back, smirking, while Laura was petrified and unable to move. She was sure her heart will jump out of her chest every minute. Sudden buzz in her ear, and brunette's words were blurry, too distant to understand anything. Laura looked confused, and Carmilla laughed at her expression.

The blondie never felt like that, not even with her previous boyfriend whom she loved. It was strange and it made her lightheaded and dizzy yet happy to even be here. Each time when she was touched by Carmilla, something was happening in her stomach, some kind of weird pressure, and she couldn't say why. Once Laura thought it was because she hated her so much at some point, but now she was uncertain what caused it, and now all of that made it worse to classify. Though, deeply she really wanted to hate her just for the sake of her poor little pounding heart.

And, more or less, Laura wasn't gay. She couldn't be, it never crossed her thoughts.

“Earth to sweetie, where have you been?” Carmilla waved her hand in front of Laura's nose, and it startled her. It seemed that she zoned out. Now, a big red blush crept up from her neck to face, she wanted to hide from embarrassment.

“I- Uh- I'm- I'm here, come on,” she tried to speak, but her poor attempts made Carmilla chuckle.

“Are we done yet? Is there something more to do, buttercup?” said the brunette, looking around with amused glance. Everything was shining with beautiful colours. Near the exit there was a scene with various musical instruments, and two or three snow machines in the corners. Laura stood in the middle, trying to check up their plan.

“No, it's perfect,” she said, smiling to her; and for the first time Carmilla smiled back sincerely.

They both walked out hand in hand carrying boxes with leftovers in silence, both couldn't stop stealing glances at each other when one of them wasn't looking.


	4. The Formal p. 2

_Carmilla stood near her mother, who now was trying to wipe her tears away. Around her were a lot of different people she had never seen in her entire life. They were talking to her mum about things she wasn't fully aware of. They sent her apologetic glances and hurriedly waltzed away. Some of them cried, mostly women, and hugged the widow. Everyone was dressed in black, formal clothing. No one even tried to seem happy, never hiding their grief and sadness._

_Even if she was only eleven, Carmilla was able to understand the situation. She was standing in front of the big brown coffin with her father in it. He looked peaceful and lifeless, with his eyes closed and skin tone too white to be identified with breathing person. His hands were crossed on his chest, he was dressed in his best and most expensive suit. Carmilla thought it was stupid, to give someone long gone something so precious to wear._

_She knew her father was dead, and at first it made her sob. Carmilla cried for days, while her mother held her in her arms. After awhile, she was unable to even shed a tear for him. People would thought that she would be turning into a weeping mess at the funeral, but somehow she was dealing with it without crying. Maybe it was the fact that she expected it or she wasn't emotional enough because of her age. Truth to be told, her father got sick five months ago. It got worse day by day and finally he passed away. Her mother never lied to her about it. She didn't say that he went somewhere far away and he can't see them anymore. In fact, she said nothing, and Carmilla never asked, she figured it out on her own after looking at her mum crying in her room over a call from the hospital._

_Carmilla gave him a last glance before turning around and sitting in the first row. Her father was a quite well-known and liked man, that's why there's so many old people. When the ceremony started, she tried to hold back her tears, but finally some of them slipped and fell down her cheek. Carmilla's mother, on the other hand, was sobbing really hard right now. It was the last time the girl saw her being emotional. Carmilla always suspected she changed because of her father's passing, she became more bitter and tyrannical. The brunette couldn't stay here any longer, so she escaped when no one was paying attention to her. She hid behind the big angel monument, trying to wipe her cheeks with these small hands. Carmilla was sitting at the foot of the angel. After a moment she realised that it was crying as well._

_“Are you alright?” said someone with a sweet, high pitched voice. There was a dirty blonde girl peeking from behind the monument's feet, her eyes were green and cheeks red just like roses. Her grin was big and genuine and the features of her face were soft and kind. She was basically radiating positivism. Carmilla couldn't stop staring at her with wide eyes and shyly smirking, dazed with the girl standing in front of her._

_“Uh, um, yeah, I'm alright. Who are you?” asked the brunette. Now it occurred to her that blondie was probably a year older than her and an inch, maybe two taller._

_“I'm Ellie, but you can call me Ell!” she said, her grin becoming even wider than before. She was so cheerful it could kill Carmilla within seconds. Ellie's hand slid forward and Carmilla took it after a second of hesitation, and her palms were so soft it was almost unnatural. She felt this strange pressure in her stomach, unsure of the reason behind it. After a moment they let go of each others' hands and Ellie sat next to Carmilla, looking up at the crying angel statue. The brunette couldn't stop stealing glances at older girl all the time._

_“What are you doing here, Ell? Did you know my father?” she said with confused look on her face and it made Ellie giggle with that sweet voice._

_“No, but my mum did, and I'm really sorry for your loss,” there was a distant and unsuspected sadness in her voice when she spoke. It made Carmilla frown and a few tears trailed down her cheeks. Ellie saw it and her eyes widened in surprise, she hugged the younger girl as fast as she could. Carmilla returned the gesture awkwardly after a few seconds, letting the blonde's comfort her. She enjoyed the other body pressed against her, and she let herself cry a little in Ellie's arms. She wanted to hold her forever and never let go._

***

“Uh, Dad, I'll spend the night at LaFontaine's today,” Laura screamed trying to not look at LaF and Perry sitting in front of her. They had a smug smile spread across their face. Perry, on the other hand, got up and started to look inside Laura's wardrobe and after a second LaF stood behind her, with their arms on her waist and chin resting on her shoulder. They both were like a lovesick middle school couple, showing their affection everywhere they could. In school, they toned it down, trying to seem like a platonic friends rather than a real couple. Perry never wanted to talk to Laura about it, so she didn't know a reason behind that. She assumed it's because of her father, who was a rather closed-minded individual with iron grip on his family.

Laura was able to hear loud footsteps outside of her room. LaF immediately stood next to Perry and tried to gaze at clothes with interest, but it wasn't easy. They weren't a typical fashionable person nor did they found it endearing. The blonde's dad walked in, glancing at everyone and smiling. His hair is dirty blonde with white streaks in it, the same happened to his beard. He was relatively young, in his mid 40's, but because of constant stress he started graying. It's worrying Laura, especially cause he's always overworking himself since her mothers passing. It seems like he wants to keep himself occupied and stop mourning, or maybe it was his way to mourn her. Either way, he is a good person even if he looks ready to kill everyone who touches his daughter in a wrong way. Sometimes he's strict and grumpy, but it's always for Laura's good.

“I talked to your mother and she said it will be alright for you two to stay overnight,” he said and pulled Laura in a tight hug.

“Remember, don't even try alcohol, protect your soda, have bear spray with you and don't let boys touch you. They're nasty. Call me if something happens,” her dad whispered and let her go, giving a prominent smile to everyone else. He headed towards the door, disappearing behind them quickly. It made Laura's stomach ache a bit. After her escapade previously, he gave her endless lectures about drinking and bringing boys in or even parties. She brought it on herself, so she didn't have the right to be mad about it anymore.

Laura waltzed to her friends, gazing at that dress they both picked up. It was one of five dresses Perry had lent her weeks ago. It was extended enough to cover her ankles, strapless and entirely made out of white silk, with long black belt on the waist to keep it adjacent to her body. It was flawless and really pretty, but Laura would never wear it. She didn't listen to Perry when she handed it to her for a special occasion. Now, the ginger team observed Laura and nodded their heads in unison. Blondie was confused for a second, but slowly regained her consciousness when LaF raised their thumbs up and gave it to her, trying to push her into bathroom.

“Try it. I swear to god you'll look amazing in it!” this was everything she could hear behind the door.

She undressed and put it on, trying to look at herself in the mirror. It wasn't so bad, Laura thought, but it lacked something. She left the bathroom and glanced at her friends, who now were fixated on her. Laura felt embarrassed and wanted to hide, but Perry lifted up her hands and clapped. She looked happy and smiled genuinely, now observing Laura from every angle possible. LaF grinned, sighing after a second and stood up. Now Laura was really embarrassed and wanted to hide her face while she was blushing, but Perry gave her a reassuring smile.

“You look fantastic,” she said, and LaF nodded their head with agreement.

“Now I'm sure everyone will swoon at your side,” they laughed and Laura shoved them a playful hit in the arm.

“Uh, swooning, right. Yeah, not sure of that,” she said with a sigh and sat down. It was quite uncomfortable for her to wear dresses. Last time she did was at her mothers funeral years ago and since then she had only worn pants. Laura hated when wind raised the clothing up and exposed her legs more than she wanted to. Also, the constant fear of showing your underlings to outer world.

“Why did you ask us for advice anyway? Do you want to dress nicely for some boy? Or... a girl?” LaF teased, and Laura just groaned really loud. Perry glanced at her worriedly, but LaFontaine just laughed at her abashed expression.

“I've told you countless times by now. I'm not gay, LaF, and I should kill you both for that prank a week ago, my god,” she said, staring at her like she truly wanted to murder them both and planned how to dispose two bodies.

“It was for your own good, Laura! Look where you are now – dressing so nicely for Winterfest, or even Carmilla herself. Well, maybe you're still going alone, but I'm sure it'll change soon or later,” they grinned, and Laura rolled her eyes. LaF was so nosy when it comes to her love life. It seemed like they wanted to act like matchmaker and propose Laura to some good looking boy, but truth to be told they sincerely cared for their friends happiness. If the boy part granted her endless felicity then they were in it to make it happen. More than that, it was a golden opportunity to friendly tease Laura about it.

“I don't even like Carmilla,” she said and sighed. She still wasn't sure how to felt about her.

“Right, that's why you give her dreamy eyes every time you see her. Let me tell you something – she seems to enjoy it as much as you do.”

“I beg your pardon but she's actually distancing herself. Besides, I have no interest in her. Well, not that kind of interest you're actually dreaming of,” she said loudly, tired of her friends teasing. They raised their arms to signalize defeat and laughed even more. Perry was glaring at them and shook her head, now standing in front of Laura.

“Enough of teasing, Su--LaFontaine. Time to get you then ourselves ready, we don't want to be late,” she said with a grin and Laura swore it was one of the worst days in her life.

***

It took them two hours to finally prepare Laura and each other for it. LaFontaine had to do Perry's make up, while she was working on blondie. It was one of the most unpleasant activities Laura had experienced in her entire life. Of course, she wore makeup, but she did it herself without anyone’s help. It was an entire different experience when someone applied it for you. They had an entire five minutes before the opening. LaFontaine wore black suit with red shirt and bowtie while Perry kept it classical – white, really long and modest dress with red overcoat that showed no skin. It fit to her personality and sense of fashion, especially with a lot of different sweaters in her wardrobe. If LaFontaine didn't push for red she probably wouldn't have wore it and they had to come in matching outfits, just slightly. LaF told her simply that it fits her and she looks gorgeous in it, and Laura had to admit she does.

The three of them got in without a problem, now standing in front of the gym. Laura separated with the couple after a moment and waltzed to the tables. There were only two tables in the corner, but both were occupied by some pairs talking vigorously about something she didn't quite catch. Everyone else was chatting and standing nearby waiting for music to start playing. Laura sighed and sat at the most hidden one near the exit. It wasn't her night and she knew it long before they decided to come in. She went alone so she had to deal with loneliness for about five-or-so hours. Maybe she'll go to after party for couple of drinks even if she promised to her father sobriety.

Suddenly all Laura could hear was loud music and saw teenagers coming to the dance floor. It started a bit too fast for her. Everything was dark and people were only able to see something because of different lights. There are flashing just like it's some kind of a night club and not a formal. In another corner, some risky pairs took photos in front of the tree Laura previously decorated with Carmilla. It was almost painful to think about her right now.

LaFontaine came out of nowhere with two glowing sticks in their hands and a cup. Laura eyed it suspiciously when they started to scream something through music, but she could barely hear.

“Drink it and come with me. I've seen Danny and Kirsch, but they were kind of dancing and screaming at each other. It was crazy, so it's better to avoid them for now.”

“What is this?” Laura pointed at the cup and leaned closer while LaF handed it to her.

“It's a drink. It seems like they didn't pour anything remotely dangerous in it. Perry disapproved but I figured out you'll need it tonight,” they screamed. Laura sighed and took it without a word, drinking all of it in one chug. LaF glanced at her in surprise, pulled her closer and gave her a glowing stick. The blonde took it and stood up as fast as possible.

“Ready to party?” they asked, and Laura just nodded. She wanted to have some fun and actually stop thinking about yesterday or else she will shriek.

***

Laura waved to Danny, who now was almost clinging to Kirsch. They both stopped screaming at each other some time ago and it seems like they drank too much punch. LaFontaine was dancing with Perry for a while and left Laura alone on the dance floor. She already had to turn down two boys and slap some creep who tried to grab her ass by “accident”. Laura had too much krav maga to be phased by his muscles or posture. It was a matter of time before she'll lost herself in the music and forgot the people around her. She didn't even know what time it was anymore. Suddenly, the blonde bumped into someone and looked up, meeting Carmilla's amused gaze.

The brunette wore black pants, coat and boots. Everything in her clothing was dark without any contrast. She placed her hand on Laura's shoulder and leaned closer to her, smirking.

“What are you doing here?” asked the blonde.

“Well, don't you see? I'm trying to have some fun, cutie,” she said looking directly in her eyes.

“Oh, well, you can have some fun without me.”

“But I want to have fun only with you, Laura,” she said and there was this eagerness in her voice. Laura's eyes were wide open and she had to bite her lips to not actually smile.

“I really want to believe you with this one, Carm.”

“May I have this dance?” she asked with such a polite tone it made Laura smile. She reached out and Carmilla took her hand, placing it on her own shoulder. Music was slow, so only couples were still at the dance floor while everyone else took a break.

“You may,” she said and Carmilla interlaced their fingers together, leading them. After a second Laura realised they were waltzing. Blush crept from her neck to face and brunette chuckled. It was obvious that she could see it and Laura felt embarrassed. Carmilla's hand was hot and there was this strange sensation in her stomach every time she touched her. The closest description to it was butterflies. She didn't want to let go of her anytime soon. It made everything more confusing than before, especially with Carmilla leaning closer. Laura looked at her lips subconsciously and really wanted to close the distance between them. She wasn't sure if it was alcohol in punch or her deeply hidden feelings she harboured, but it made her feel dizzy. She buried her face in brunette's arm for a second and Carmilla just smirked again.

She never thought she would waltz with anyone, but here she was, doing it with Carmilla in the middle of the gym during her Winter Formal. When the dance ended, she wanted to do it again, and so they did, maybe two times, before song ended and Carmilla had to let her go. Suddenly DJ told them to look up, so everyone followed his command confused.

It was a mistletoe hanging above their heads, strategically placed all over the gym. Laura still was taken aback, but before she had time to react Carmilla touched her cheek with her hand. It was enough to send shiver down blondie's spine and the skin under the pressure was hot, too hot. The brunette pressed her lips to Laura's cheek and caressed her neck with thumb. Laura swore she was flying and felt jolts from underneath Carmilla's fingers.

The next song started playing too soon and Carmilla let go of her, standing at near arm length.

“It was a pleasure to dance with you,” she said and disappeared into the crowd leaving Laura alone, mortified. She was so ecstatic yet mad at her for walking away so disruptively. Someone bumped into her and it shook her from her state. They apologized and move on, while Laura closed her mouth and walked back to the punch bowl. She sighed and sat down at the nearby table, losing track of everyone she know, and most importantly Carmilla.

A few creeps tried to sit down with her, but she groaned and declined, feeling too weak to even deal with them. She wanted to punch them, or maybe only brunette, for leaving her alone.

***

LaF was giggling and smiling with Perry's arm around their waist; fingers interlaced together. Danny and Kirsch stood near them, suspiciously too quiet. Laura was in middle of the circle, tipsy and not so sober like she was at the beginning of the formal.

“Okay, so, who's going to afterparty?” asked Kirsch, and Danny rolled her eyes.

“I think we will pass, what do you think, LaF?” said Perry, glancing worriedly at LaFontaine.

“Yeah, good idea. Laura?” they looked at the blondie.

“Uh, I'll go, I think,” she giggled.

“Okay, call us if you need a ride or something. And if there's something wrong you can always ask Kirsch for help,” said LaF and looked at him, but he just grinned widely.

“Of course, Zetas honour. Me and my bros can always help her if she needs us,” he pointed his long finger at his chest and Danny groaned, grabbing his wrist. The group parted, three of them walking with a lot of other students to the biggest house at the end of the street, while LaFontaine and Perry picked a cab.

***

After Laura arrived, there were too many people and too few familiar faces. Even if she was one of the popular girls, she didn't speak to a lot of students nowadays. Guys knew her, but she didn't even see them in school. She smiled to them politely and moved on, finally stopping at beer pong. Laura had never played it, so she just observed, occasionally taking a sip from her cup. Finally in the kitchen, she bumped into someone, and again, it was Carmilla in all her glory. Laura wanted to slap her, but instead, she tripped and fell into her, hands holding her shoulders to balance herself and nose buried in her locks. She giggled like a five years old and stared at her for too long.

“I should slap you right now for leaving me alone. It wasn't fair, Carm,” she said with a sad expression on her face, and Carmilla just narrowed her eyebrows and bit her bottom lip.

“Do it if it makes you feel better, creampuff,” Laura giggled again, and the brunette couldn't stop but think how cute she was.

“I won't. But, like, do you stalk me or something? I keep bumping in you and I'm so sure you do it on purpose, but also it seems like universe is full of coincidences for us tonight, isn't it?” she rambled.

“It's not my fault, you're the one who's doing it, cutie. You can't let go of me, can you?” she said teasingly, leaning closer.

Laura saw a crowd forming in the living room above Carmilla's head, so she grabbed her wrist and pulled her to it. They stood here and the brunette wanted to give up and sigh, but instead she glanced at a circle forming in middle of the room. Laura sat down excited and so did Carmilla, just to keep an eye at her. The blonde acted like a child who wanted to open their presents; too eager and curious of everything. They didn't even know what kind of a stupid game they're playing. Not unless spectators backed away, and a few people were sitting in closed circle with a bottle in front of them.

It was their first route and no one landed on either Carmilla or Laura. It was the smaller girls turn, and it stopped on other woman with red hair. They both giggled and kissed so briefly it wasn't even a proper kiss, Carmilla thought. Now it was her turn and someone handed her the bottle. She sighed and spun it, looking at this thing with daggers in her eyes. It landed on some attractive girl, who was smiling at her entire night. The brunette winked and kissed her deeply, and everyone else hooted. Laura sighed and stood up, taking some beer from counter. It wasn't a most pleasant thing to look at for her, but she didn't know why. Kirsch stopped by and even tried to join before some girls kicked him out. He giggled and left, heading up to the hall.

Three pecks on the lips for Laura and passionate kisses for Carmilla later, they both were out of luck. It never landed on neither of them, but at least brunette didn't have to kiss another guy. It didn't matter how risky or drunk she felt, it wasn't an utterly pleasant thing for her to do. Sure, she was flirtatious but her act ended when she had to pretend like it was a happy experience. Laura spun the bottle and it landed on some girl, whom again she gave just a brief peck. She either never truly kissed or played it, but probably the second option. Carmilla doubted she never dated anyone when she was so adorable and breathtaking.

It was already one in the morning and they had around one hour before the party ended. Everyone was drunk and it spun out of control long ago, now it looked like a cheap frat party.

Now, it was the brunette's turn and to her surprise it landed on Laura. She giggled when she saw the bottle and moved nearer to her, closing the distance between them. She grabbed her shirt and pulled Carmilla closer, the other woman cupped her face but didn't kiss her. Carmilla really didn't want to use Laura while she's tipsy and wouldn't remember anything tomorrow. She was a bit of a sap when it came to the blonde and was willing to wait until she's sober and conscious. She wanted to be sure that Laura didn't kiss her just because of alcohol and knew about it. Carmilla haven't had that moral struggle when she kissed another girls, but now it was different. She sincerely cared for that small girl in front of her, even if their road was bumpy at the beginning. Just a few weeks ago she truly disliked her, but somehow Laura grown on her and it was harder to pretend she wasn't fond of her.

“We don't have to do it, Laura,” she said in subtle tone, but Laura crashed their lips together. She tasted like alcohol, the kiss itself was sloppy and clumsy. Her lips were warm and soft. After a second the blonde deepened it, with her tongue trying to slip in. Carmilla almost squeak in shock but surpassed it. The brunette was first to break it after someone whistled. No one seemed to take photo or camera it, they were probably too dizzy for that kind of a trick. Carmilla took Laura's hand and stood up with her, pulling her out of the room and stood near the bathroom, when there weren't any people around. The blonde wanted to kiss her again, but she stopped her.

“Don't you think thats enough for one night, Laura? Maybe it's a time to go home already?” she asked and Laura's face tensed up a bit, but she clumsily rested her head on Carmilla's shoulder.

“I'm not gay, Carmilla. I'm really, really, really not gay, you know. I mean, I never really wanted to, or did, or anything, to kiss another woman. But then I look at you and I really want to kiss you again, and you're so perfect and gay and I'm not sure anymore. I hated you so much but now I don't know what to I feel anymore. And your lips are so warm. I want you, but I'm really not gay,” she said slowly, with her speech mixed up between drunken clumsy rambling and heartfelt confession, burying her face in Carmilla's locks for the third time this night.

“Why is it so complicated? What will people say, or what will my dad say when he finds out? And I really can't stop this god damn butterflies and they're soooooooo loud. I really... you know what. Please, don't leave me alone anymore, because I can't look at you when you're... like this... with them and I really want you here and I want to kiss you,” she said waving her hands chaotically, but after a second there was a sob and Carmilla realised Laura was crying. It was so quiet it almost went unnoticed, but she pressed her back harder to the wall near bathroom door. She stroked her hair and kissed her forehead until she couldn't hear anything anymore. She gulped and glanced down at Laura, who now had her hand pressed tightly to brunettes chest.

“I want to go home, Carm,” she said quietly.

***

They both walked with fingers interlaced down the road. Laura had Carmilla's jacket draped onto her shoulders and her head pressed to the other ones arm. She was sleepy and dizzy, barely able to walk straight. It was almost two in the morning and they were near LaFontaine's house. They didn't speak to each other since they left the after party. Carmilla was nauseous even if she didn't drink that much. She wasn't tipsy, so it was probably because of her anxiety. Holding Laura this way was truly pleasant, but she couldn't look at her anymore without feeling guilty.

They stood in front of LaFontaine's house and Laura pulled her closer for the last time, placing a fierce kiss on her lips. She kissed back but soon broke it, smiling weakly to her.

“Goodbye, Carm,” she said with a heartbroken expression on her face.

“Goodbye, Laura” said Carmilla before Laura vanished behind the door.

Even before Laura was able to go to the guest room she began to sob; Perry and LaFontaine heard it. They both sat with her for half hour before she waved them off, and tried to cry the emptiness in her chest away.

Perry left water, a cupcake and aspirin on the table, worriedly checking on her seconds after she fell asleep.


	5. The Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [lintz](http://tsunderelintz.tumblr.com), who was willing to beta it for me!

_Carmilla sat on the couch in middle of the room, reading a book she had intended on reading long ago. Today was the anniversary of her father’s death, and her mother wasn't here when she woke up. It had been four years since his passing and the girl could barely remember his face. Sometimes she felt guilty because the only things to remember him by were his old photos. He was always smiling in them, with his thick black hair and bushy beard, his features soft and smooth. Carmilla believed that you were alive as long as someone remembered your name or face, and she could only hope her mother would never forget him. She wanted her father to live forever, but it was too late._

_Her phone started to ring, and she sighed, exhausted. She would have preferred to spend today reading a philosophy book rather than hanging out with people she didn't like. It took her three seconds to look at the screen. Then she smiled, her grip on the book tightening. Every time Ell called her she couldn't stop grinning like a creep. The slightest sign of her girlfriend made her day better. She picked up, biting on her bottom lip._

_“Hey? Carmilla? I just wanted to ask if we could meet at Starbucks at three?” she said with that sweet voice of hers. Hearing it was enough to soothe the brunette’s worries. She wanted to jump out of her skin each time she saw Elliei, it was ridiculous how in love the brunette was with her. Ell was the only one good thing that came out of her father's passing. They met four years ago and since then Carmilla's heart pounded only for her._

_“Carmilla? Are you still there?” there was nervousness in her voice._

_“Uh? Sorry, I got carried away. Of course, I'll be there,” Carmilla replied, grinning widely._

_“Great! See you soon,” and she hung up. Carmilla almost jumped out of her skin, too ecstatic with the perspective of meeting her later._

***

_Carmilla tapped her fingers on the lip of her cup of coffee. She had been dating Ellie for over a year and their anniversary was next month. Everyday she was grateful for her presence and love. It had been quite a bumpy road for Carmilla to realise her feelings towards the older girl, but after her confession it was rather smooth._

_Ellie stepped in, trying to find her girlfriend amongst the various patrons in the café. She spotted Carmilla in an out of the way booth and walked towards her, her eyes as red as her cheeks, with telltale dry tear tracks on her face. Carmilla stood up immediately, worry cast all over her face._

_“Are you alright? What's wrong?” she asked, quickly pulling Ellie into a hug. The other girl was barely suppressing her tears. After a few scant seconds Ell stepped back, sitting at the other end of the table._

_“Can you sit down, Carmilla?” her tone wasn't sweet anymore, and the brunette shivered unconsciously. She sat in front of Ellie._

_“Were you crying? Ell, what's wrong?” Carmilla asked again with a soothing voice._

_“I can't do it anymore. I thought that maybe if I pretended things would be alright it would work, but they’re not. I tried to be patient, but it didn't work,” Ellie said, face carefully blank, a bitterly cold expression hidden away behind it._

_“Wait what? What are you talking about?” said the younger girl, confusion plastered across her face._

_“I can't be with you, Carmilla.”_

_Carmilla sank deeper into her chair. Her whole body tensed up, tears springing up frighteningly fast, a few rolling down her cheeks and dripping into her coffee. She hadn't expected those words to come out of her mouth. Not so soon and not on a day like this_.

_“Why not? What did I do wrong, Ell?” her voice came out in barely a whisper, muffled by the hand covering her mouth._

_“It's not your fault. I used to love you so much, but now I don't feel it anymore. You're not enough for me,” said Ell and hid her face in her hands._

_“How do I fix it, Ellie?” asked Carmilla quietly, trying to blink her tears away._

_“There's nothing to fix, Carm. I think I fell in love with someone else, he's-he's a guy, you know.”_

_Suddenly Carmilla was gripped with suspicion, “Were you cheating on me with him when we were together?” she demanded, clenching her jaw, her grip on the chair turning her knuckles white._

_“I-I- For a month,” said Ellie, gulping hard. Carmilla just stood up, grabbing her belongings and storming out of the shop without another word. Her jaw was clenched so hard it almost felt like her teeth would fall out. Tears streamed down her cheeks._

_She didn't bother wiping them away._

***

Laura spent almost the entire morning in the bathroom, trying to get rid of her hangover. She was still in LaFontaine's house with them and Perry, who now was standing in front of the door. If the blondie had known how bad she was going to feel afterwards, she wouldn't have drank at all. It was hardly logical for her to drink until she blacked out. Maybe she wanted to forget about Carmilla for once, but Laura sure as hell didn't want to not be able to remember the entire night. Her memories were like a blur and she was scared about what she might have done.

“Are you alright, Laura? Maybe you need some medication or something?” asked Perry. Laura had been sitting next to the toilet for almost two hours, head just by the edge of the bowl. She didn't really want to go to school today and had already missed her first lesson. It was safe to assume that most people wouldn’t go today because of the after party. Suddenly, she remembered Carmilla and almost stood up, but ended up falling to her knees again. Laura was truly struggling right now; she wanted to talk to the brunette about yesterday but on the other hand, now she was scared to even look at her. Who knew what she had done to Carmilla, and now she had completely forgotten.

“Do you have some aspirin or something? Also I think I'll go to school,” said Laura, slowly staggering to her feet, barely able to stand straight, let alone think. Blood pounded through her skull, a reminder of the alcohol of the previous night.

“Are you sure? You don't have to,” Perry said, seconds before Laura yanked open the door, glancing back at her. The bags under her eyes could have held mice in them, and her hair was strewn about much like a field of corn in the wind.

“I’m sure, Perry. I want to know what happened during the party. I can't remember anything.”

“Maybe you should ask Kirsch about it? He was here along with Danny,” said Perry as Laura slowly sludged past her, heading towards the guest room. 

“Yeah, maybe later,” she slurred and closed the door behind her.

***

Laura was walking along the schools corridor, dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. She felt like a zombie and she was sure she looked like one. After grabbing her books out of the locker she sighed, leaning against it. Suddenly the bell rang and people started to flood the halls. Laura's head started to hurt even more with screams and loud chattering around her. She turned towards the locker, her forehead pressed tightly to the cold metal. Someone approached her and she wanted to scream at them for bothering her. Slowly, she turned to see who it was. She almost smiled at the sight of ginger hair and a slightly worried face.

“Uh, Laura, hey. Are you alright?” asked Danny, her whole body tense. Laura furrowed her brow and started to observe her.

“Well, I'm okay, but what's wrong with you?” she asked.

“Uhh, so you haven't heard--” she was cut off abruptly by a group of guys walking near them. 

“Yo, dyke, where's your girlfriend at? Call me when you''ll mingle again,” he catcalled at Laura and started to laugh with the rest of the group. He quickly highfived them with a stupid grin plastered on his face.

“Wait what? What was that about? Did I do something at the party?” she asked and Danny looked away, biting her lip nervously.

“I think you should ask Carmilla about it. Maybe she can explain it to you better than me,” said the ginger, hand on the smaller girls arm.

“Danny, tell me what happened. Or better yet, tell me where she is,” Laura demanded, face pale and utterly mortified. What if she had really hurt Carmilla? What if she had kissed her even if Carmilla hadn’t been interested? She cursed herself for forgetting almost the entire night. More than that, people knew more than she did and they were reacting negatively. 

“I don't know, I can barely remember anything myself. I think I saw her by the field an hour ago, but I don't think--” before she could end her sentence Laura was already half way down the corridor and Danny could only stare at her in awe.

***

Carmilla was sitting in the dark, hidden behind the bleachers at the baseball court. It was one of those days where the sun barely peeked through the clouds. It was relaxing for the brunette. She hoped it would rain soon, it would fit her recent mood perfectly. She hadn’t slept at all, the coffee in her hands the only thing keeping her awake. Now the reason for her sleep deprivation stood behind her, humming quietly, but it was so quiet already the sound was like a choir in her ears. Her head turned so fast it made Laura chuckle nervously. Carmilla looked like a startled owl, with her eyes so wide it was almost cartoonish. She had wanted to avoid Laura at any cost, so when she hadn’t been at their morning class it was almost a miracle. But now, she was here so the brunette’s brilliant plan wasn't working anymore. The blonde glanced at Carmilla’s back, rigid and frozen, and walked around the metal supports to stand in front of her. She looked hurt, guilty and kept glancing off to the side, and Carmilla couldn't help but think she regretted their kiss.

_You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of her._

“Carmilla, what happened yesterday?” Laura asked bluntly, taking a few steps closer to the other girl.

“How about a ‘Hey’ or something, cutie? Where are your manners?” Carmilla said, trying to hide her trembling voice behind a wry grin.

“Hey. Carmilla, do you know what happened yesterday?” Laura asked again, as she slowly sat next to the brunette. She didn’t look at her.

_Push her away before it's too late, before she means more to you and can’t insult her._

“I don't, really. Maybe you should ask that puppy with big brown eyes who kept giving you longing glances?” Carmilla said scathingly, trying to hide the lump in her throat. She swallowed nervously.

“Have I done something wrong? Did I hurt you? I swear I didn't intend to if I really hurt you because I was drunk and I don't even remember what happened and I wanted to ask you because I'm sure you didn't black out and-”

“It's okay, cutie, you did nothing wrong,” Carmilla was quick to cut her off, voice almost trembling, as if she were unsure of her own words. There it was. Laura clearly regretted kissing her, more than that; she didn't even remember it. 

_She's straight, she's experimenting, she could use you like Ellie and leave when things get serious. She's not like that, but it would make things easier for you if she was._

Suddenly something clicked, and Laura's brows shot up, eyes widening.

“Did we do something in front of the others? Did we kiss? Please tell me, Carm,” she asked softly.

“I'm going to regret telling you, but we might have, buttercup,” said Carmilla with wicked smirk on her face that felt entirely too fake. A blush slowly crept on Laura's face and Carmilla could hardly stop herself from staring at her.

“I'm sorry for that,” she said shyly, trying to hide her face in her hands.

“We played spin the bottle, stop apologising.”

_It was nothing to her. You're just imagining things, you were the only one who wanted it. It was just a game._

“I don't regret it,” Laura said in weak voice after a long silence between them. She remembered how soft Carmilla's lips were and how fantastically they fit hers. 

_She deserves better than you, better than insults, people sneering and hating her for being like you._

“Maybe you should think about accepting one of yours suitors’ offers? Teenage gossip is cruel, creampuff,” Carmilla replied hesitantly.

“I don't care about the rumours, Carmilla. I couldn’t care less!” She retorted, raising her voice..

_She is patient with you, but soon she will burn out just like her._

“That’s not what you said yesterday, cutie. You can't hide the truth or change your mind after the things you told me, when you were honest with yourself. It's what you really think and I get that,” Carmilla replied, masking her disappointment with more cutting words.

“No, Carmilla, look--”

_Everyone leaves, just like William, just like Ellie, just like your father. You leave them and they leave you. You're worthless._

“Stop it, Laura. There’s nothing more to be said. We were drunk and that’s that. No big deal. Whatever,” and then Carmilla stood up, taking her bag and jacket and walked past her. For a moment, Laura had a vision of stopping her, grabbing her by the wrist and making it clear just what she thought of her.

Her wrist remained untouched and Laura felt like she had lost something before she had even begun.

_She will never be interested in you in a romantic way. She's not you, she's not broken, she's not Ellie, and you're not over her._

***

Laura sat on the bed near Perry and LaFontaine. They were as close as they could get without sitting in each others lap. She bit her lip, looking at them with an almost broken expression. She had wanted to ask them something so she brought them here, but now the words were stuck in her throat. She had never hesitated before when she asked for help or advice. It was really hard to talk about these topics, but somehow she had to get it out.

“How did you know you were gay?” she asked finally, her voice shaking. LaFontaine's eyes widened, but Perry just reached out and held the smaller girls hand, a knowing look on her face. 

“Honey, it comes with time. It's a process and I know you might be scared, but it's always important to be true to yourself and your feelings. If you feel something for girls then you do and that’s okay, it's normal,” she said, squeezing Laura’s hand gently.

“But what will people say?” Laura babbled. Perry and LaFontaine were barely able to understand her trembling tone. Perry pulled her into a hug like Laura was her child, not friend.

“It doesn't matter. They might be mean, but they're just teenagers. Your opinion matters more than theirs,” said Perry.

“You don't have to be gay to love a girl, you know. Sometimes you can like someone or want them and still not think of yourself as gay. Usually our brain modulates our sex drive and attraction with the mesolimbic dopamine pathway. The primal role in this process involves dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin and estrogen. It also happens when you fall in love with someone – the brain starts to produce more chemicals, which is why people who found love recently have higher levels of cortisol. You're generally happier than you were while being single,” LaFontaine said, leaning in closer. Laura looked completely lost.

“It means you don't necessarily have to determine your sexuality because of that. Your brain just thinks that she's attractive,” they clarified, winking. Perry jabbed them with her elbow.

“Who's the lucky one, sweetie? Do you love her?” she asked after a second.

“What? No! I was just curious, that's all!” Laura's face burned with embarrassment and she covered it with her hands.

“Is it Carmilla?” asked LaFontaine suddenly, a sly grin on her face, and Perry had to stop herself from hitting them. Perry looked mortified but they just laughed.

“You don't have to tell us if you don't want to,” Perry quickly interrupted.

“I don't like her, okay? It was just a kiss! I don't even know if she's gay or if she likes me or if she enjoyed it. I don't even know if I'm gay!” Laura groaned, biting her lip. LaFontaine smiled apologetically, patting her back reassuringly.

“Have you even seen her? She must be gay or I’m a monkey’s uncle. Also, if she kissed you then she likes you enough, doesn’t she? She never talks to anyone but you in our class, so that's probably how much you matter to her. Like I said, you don't have to be gay, Laura,” they said and Perry nodded in agreement.

“She--They're right. Maybe you should try to talk to her about it?” said Perry. LaFontaine was tricky and they loved to tease Laura about everything, but when Perry was around and the issue was complex, they were the best friend anyone could ask for, always willing to hand out advice.

“I tried, but she walked off with a ‘whatever’ and it seemed like it was nothing for her. Or maybe it just sounded like that, I don't know,” she cried.

“Nothing is lost, Laura. You just need to talk with her, set things straight. New Year's Eve is in two weeks, so maybe ask her out then? But before that you have to make sure she doesn’t kill you with her eyes,” they said, smiling widely. Perry sighed and grabbed a pack of cookies from the table. Laura took one with a glint in her eyes, the smile slowly returning to her face.

“Thank you. I'll see what I can do,” she finally mumbled, too preoccupied with sweets to say anything more. Laura was fully convinced of her straightness (with maybe with one exception) but she would never admit it to herself. She was truly terrified of the thought that maybe, just maybe, Carmilla was someone she wanted to touch, even if Laura loved to deny how fond she had grown of her in the past few weeks.

***

Laura was still struggling with her paper by the time it was dark outside. She was sitting in the schools library and it seemed deserted. People had gone home hours ago after seventh period ended, including Danny and LaFontaine. They offered to stay and help her, but she refused politely. She had to do it alone if she wanted a higher mark, and it was a really important grade for her. It would decide whether she’d be at the top again.

It had been three days since she had last spoken with Carmilla properly, not just spotting her as she was leaving class. It was awkward between them to say the least, and the others, such as LaFontaine were well aware of the situation. They said nothing about it, though, so Laura couldn't complain about it. She had to put some space between them, but it didn't work when Carmilla was purposely avoiding her. She didn't even glance at her in class. She was being completely ignored, and it made Laura’s chest feel heavy whenever she noticed. Guilt consumed her as she remembered that she had caused it herself with her words. She could barely remember the vulnerability hiding behind Carmilla’s gaze that night. Laura could hardly believe how callous she had been.

She threw her pen down on the table. Now she was too distracted to finish her paper. She got up and shoved her things deep into her backpack, being careful only with her paper. She waved goodbye to the librarian behind the counter and walked out the exit, heading towards the field. She wanted to set things straight with Carmilla, just like LaFontaine said. It was ridiculous, having such an awkward tension between them, and Laura was unable to tell where she stood with Carmilla. 

She saw Carmilla sitting on the bleachers on the other side of the pitch. Laura was relieved to find her here but Carmilla hadn’t seen her yet, or maybe she didn’t want to. Laura wanted to run but suddenly she bumped into someone and would have fallen over if not for a strong grip on her arm. The person the arm belonged to laughed. She quickly lifted her eyes up, looking directly at the football team’s goalkeeper. His hair was dark and messy, like it had been mussed up by the wind a few moments ago. He was wearing a leather jacket similar to Laura’s (but far more manly of course). It was the same guy who had called her a dyke a few days ago. She wanted to scream and get away, but her legs had stopped listening to her already. He was alone, fortunately. 

“Whoa there, are you okay? You’re lucky I caught you,” he said, smiling toothily. His teeth were unnaturally white, she noticed.

“I’m fine, thanks. Can you let go of me?” said Laura, trying to smile kindly. She had a lot of practice sounding like she was in a better mood than she was actually in.

“Well, lookie here, at least you're polite, Laura! I got a question for you, babe – you wanna go to Zeta’s New Year’s Party with me?” he smiled sincerely. Something clenched in Laura’s stomach.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” she declined and his smile turned into a frown. She tried wrench her arm out of his grip and hit a fence by accident, causing Carmilla to look in her direction. 

“Oh come on, Laura. I’ve always wanted to ask you out. Is it because of that filthy punk dyke?” he said, leaning closer. He smelled like alcohol and Laura was struggling not to deck him in the face.

“She's not filthy or a punk or a dyke. Have some respect, okay?” she pushed him and he hissed angrily, shoving her roughly against the fence. She felt it hammering her back. Carmilla stood up, taking a few steps towards them, a confused expression on her face.

“So it was true, was it? You two are fucking together and that shit during the party wasn't just a one time thing. I fucking knew it all along, fucking dykes,” he shoved her into the fence again, fists clenched on her jacket lapels. She gulped, suddenly aware of how much heavier than her he was.

“Get off me right now or I’ll punch your damn face in!” she yelled, trying to sound threatening, but he just laughed. Suddenly Carmilla was there behind her and she grabbed fistfuls of his jacket, dragging him off her with her heels digging into the ground. He staggered back with a grunt, looking at his aggressor with a hateful glance.

“Wow, look who it is! That fucked up girlfriend of yours. You two are nothing but stupid whores, you deserve each other you fucking sluts. Fuck you, you bitch, you would be terrible anyway!” he screamed. Carmilla could barely suppress a laugh.

“Oh no, big man’s ego got hurt! I’m sooo sorry to hear that. Then again, you should be used to getting rejected shouldn’t you? When was the last time you got laid?” she asked, smirking. With a furious roar, his fist flew straight towards Carmilla’s face, who quickly backed up and dodged with admirable reflex. Laura lashed out with a lightning kick to his gut in retaliation. He took it with a dull grunt, as she felt her muscles tensing at the impact. Her fists were clenched tight, as she brought her leg back to a ready position. Carmilla's eyes shot wide open. She could hardly stop her mouth gaping at Laura, as the guy coughed violent and dropped to his knees with a groan, clutching his stomach. He started to stagger to his feet and Carmilla took the opportunity to grab Laura's hand, dragging her away as fast as possible. All the blondie could think about just then was how soft Carmilla’s palm felt in her hands and the sensations running up her arm just from her touch.

Carmilla pulled them both into an old, ruined storage shed that had fallen into disuse. The door was barely useable, almost hanging off its hinges, but it had two exits just in case. Laura could feel the adrenaline pumping in her veins, her heart pounding so fast she was certain Carmilla could hear it. Her back was pressed tightly against the door, while Carmilla ducked under the window. She was so close Laura could lean in and kiss her.

She didn’t.

“That was quite impressive, cutie. Where did you learn that?” she said, panting heavily. The run had made her breathless. Or maybe it wasn't just that.

“I took Krav Maga when I was younger because of my dad,” said Laura. She was never happier about his circumspection and cautious more than now. Carmilla laughed and Laura was entranced,

“Now I know where to send my thanks. He did a good job,” she said, smiling, and Laura couldn't stop thinking about Perry's and LaFontaine's speech. There was silence, suddenly, an awkward tension filling the air again. Then, Carmilla broke it.

“What are you doing here at this hour? Don't tell me you couldn't resist my charms, cutie,” she said teasingly and Laura could only laughed sincerely. Carmilla struggled to act like nothing had happened between them, all thanks to their little fiasco by the fence. They stared at each other for a few moments before the blondie asked.

“Do you want to spend New Year's Eve with me?” Laura burst out, in one breath. It happened in a second and Carmilla had the cutest, confused look on her face. She looked like she was debating fiercely with herself.

“I don't know, Laura,” she said finally, trying to avoid Laura’s gaze. Disappointment began to eat away at Laura’s insides, but she refused to give up. Not now.

“I'm sorry for saying all of that like it didn't matter, because it did. I know I acted horribly and you didn't talk to me and I know it was my fault and I'm really sorry, because I really want to stay around you but it was impossible and I had a lot of time to think about it and I came up with a nice realisation after all and I'm really sorry-” she rambled, but Carmilla cupped her face and kissed the tip of her nose. 

“Stop being sorry about everything in your life, Laura. I'll go with you if you stop apologising,” she interjected, a strangely sad smile on her face.

“I’ll stop, I promise,” it came out like a whisper in the wind, invisible to the world outside, a vow meant only for Carmilla.

“What realisation?” Carmilla asked, as if just remembering, caressing Laura's cheek with her thumb.

“...I like you, Carm,” mumbled Laura, finally managing to get the words out. For a second, Carmilla’s heart caught in her throat, before she thought better of herself, giving Laura a forlorn look. It was far too much to hope for a romantic confession. Laura could never feel the same way she did about her. Little did she know.

“I think I've grown quite fond of you as well,” she said, with something of a mocking grin and Laura quickly hugged her, trying not to look into her eyes for more than a few scant seconds. She could feel Carmilla's body relaxing under her touch.

Carmilla felt the urge to kiss her rising up inside her, desperately containing it within. Instead, she stood up after Laura let go of her and offered a hand to her. She took it and smiled, their fingers entwining as they walked out of the storage shed. Thankfully, there was no sign of the jock who had accosted them.

“Let me walk you home,” said Carmilla and Laura glanced at her bemusedly. 

“And they say chivalry is dead,” quipped Laura with a pleased grin.

“Like you hadn't noticed,” she replied with a wink, smiling sincerely. Internally, Carmilla was angry at herself for taking advantage of Laura’s kindness like she was, but she couldn't stop holding her hand. Even this short period where they could share such frivolous things was a blessing to her.

They walked together, hand in hand, talking and giggling about nothing in particular. They stopped outside Laura's home and she shyly grabbed Carmilla's arm and kissed her cheek, smiling and blushing furiously like a middle school girl. She waved a jaunty goodbye and vanished behind the door before Carmilla could react, leaving her standing outside with a dazed expression on her face, holding a hand to her cheek. Slowly, a huge smile blossomed on her face, as she slowly walked off towards her own home. Laura peeked at her through the window and smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Zeta Society and LaFerry next time! Hope you guys liked it! Also thanks for the comments, I really appreciate feedback.


	6. The Afterglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of it was beta'd, but half wasn't, so I'm sorry for mistakes.

_Carmilla was sitting on her bed, legs crossed and a book in her hand. She was resting her chin on a big pillow which was already flat by now. She hugged it like her life depended on it. It had been almost five months since Ellie had broken up with her, and Carmilla still wasn't over it completely. She liked to tell herself she was, but in the end she still found herself blinking the tears away, still feeling a gaping hollow in her chest. She had cried in the beginning, but now there was nothing. She couldn’t even bring herself to shed a single tear. It was the same as it was with her father, but somehow it hurt more than losing a parent, which filled her with guilt. Maybe the fact that she still loved her made it seem more painful. She wasn't the one to hold grief and mourn someone who wasn't dead and even if they were, she's not that type._

_It was her first major break up. She had been with someone who was dear to her for four years, and the first thing she did after it was throw herself into endless spiral of afterglow. It was her way of dealing with the overwhelming sadness and emptiness, creeping deeply into her heart. Carmilla was sixteen now, birthdays passing right in front of her eyes. She didn’t even know what the date was, she was too busy with her study buddy to notice. She wanted to feel like she was enough, like she was desired, just like before. She wanted them to pretend that they loved her even if they didn't. Carmilla was able to give all of her to them, to someone who would make her feel like she had before the breakup. Happy. Safe. Wanted. Whole. Sex never gave her any of that, just an illusion that shattered the morning after. Sometimes it was enough just to go to a party. Just for one night._

_Carmilla preferred to lose herself in music rather than one night stands. It happened, but not as often as her escapades. She would drink, but not enough to have a hungover the next day. She wanted to stop feeling and move on, but it was almost impossible for her. Carmilla cried after the first time she had sex with a girl who wasn’t Ell. She couldn't get used to a new body and it felt like she was cheating on Ellie, even if they weren't together anymore. It would be easier to cry all the time, but it wasn't something she was able to do. Carmilla swore she was used to loss, but she wasn't. To top it all off, Ellie still went to the same school as her, so sometimes they both bumped into each other. Her ex glanced at her like she didn't even know who she was and quickly walked away, cling onto her boyfriend’s arm. Everytime she saw her turn away, she felt the hole in her heart grow just that much bigger. She could hardly believe Ellie didn’t recognise her any more. She often wondered whether Ellie even missed her but the thought tore at her chest. She tried to hide the tears behind an apathetic, cool face but the more she buried the more she felt like she was breaking apart._

_She wanted to slap herself for being so pathetically fixated on someone who had probably never loved her as much as she had in return._

_Suddenly, someone walked in to her room and Carmilla didn't even bother to look up, throwing her pillow at the unexpected guest. He groaned and threw it back at her, smacking her book out of her hands. Taken aback, she glared at him, staring daggers into his face as she snatched the book from the floor. He sighed, his face tense and expression sour, sitting down on the end of her bed with a thump. It was William, her brother who now was at college outside of Styria. He was rarely around now, but when he was still in high school he had been her only friend. Will served as a bridge between their mother and Carmilla, who rarely spoke to her in person. He liked Ellie and really approved of her, so when his sister told him about their breakup he couldn't believe it. He wanted her to be happy despite his constant teasing._

_“You can't spend your entire life here, Kitty. You look pathetic,” he noted softly. Carmilla could hardly look at him for the sadness reflected in his eyes._

_“Thanks, Captain Obvious, but now you can get out of my room,” she hissed, burying her nose in the book._

_“Don't act like a startled cat, Carmilla. You need to get over her. I know you love her, but she's probably doing better than you,” he said, shuffling closer. She blinked back tears, hiding behind the book._

_“I still love her, Will. I can't just forget about someone I practically sold my soul to,” she said, biting her bottom lip. She dropped the book near her and Will hugged her. A few tears rolled down her cheek. He was the only real thing in her life right now, even if she lost him long ago._

_“I know how you feel, but you can't keep your habits because you're sad. Time to get your shit together,” he let go of her and looked at her, their eyes meeting for the first time that conversation._

_“Easier for you to say. You didn't get dumped by your girlfriend of two years with a flippant comment when it got serious, Willy Boy” she grumbled, gritting her teeth. He smiled._

_“You’re right. I haven’t. That's why I spoke to Mom,” Carmilla stared at him, paling rapidly, frozen to the spot. Will had a smug grin spread on his face. She wanted to punch him, but she stopped herself._

_“Why? What did she say?” she whispered, hissing._

_“She will transfer you to another, better, high school in Styria. It's closer to our home too and Ellie won't bother you anymore,” he said and Carmilla suddenly felt weak at the knees, stumbling to hold her bed._

_“Try, just this once, to make friends. Don't throw yourself into that circle again and I'm sure it’ll do you some good,” Will smiled and she hit him right in his stomach._

_“Stop deciding everything for me, it's not your life to begin with!” she screamed and bit her bottom lip. Carmilla was glad he did it, but the fact he decided without her consent made her angry. He took the last thing that Carmilla had control over in her life. She was failing half of her classes, but somehow it was good enough for her._

_“It's for your own good, Kitty. We both want the best for you, that’s why we did it. To be honest with you, Mom wasn't pleased with that idea,” he coughed._

_“Of course she wasn't, it’s her we’re talking about,” She said, sighing, “When and where?”_

_“Next semester. Her old school, actually. It was the only one who would accept someone who wanted to fail in half way through the year,” he said quietly. Carmilla stood up so fast it made her dizzy. She walked over to the window and touched the frame with her forehead. It was unbelievable. She purposely avoided that wicked high school her mother ruled in. She wanted to stop being under her control, and now she would be in the same building as her for ten hours._

_“Don't be so pessimistic, Kitty. I'm sure it’s all gonna be fine,” he said with a grin and Carmilla wanted to scream._

_“Of course William, of course it will be.”_

***

Danny leaned forward, trying to not collapse on the table. It was already two days after Christmas Eve and she was utterly exhausted. She had to buy and deliver presents for almost everyone in the team and on top of that, their break started four days ago. It was a shame she couldn't practise anymore, since the pitch was closed during the break. Her schedule had changed after the end of their season and now she had a lot of free time, which was a strange feeling. As captain she usually overworked herself and since it was her last year, so she wanted to do it as best as she could. People would say that she was obsessed with the team, but it made her happy to see their trophies standing behind the glass by the changing rooms. 

Now she was eating dinner with someone she never expected to. It was Kirsch, with his goofy grin and lovesick eyes observing her every movement. He was annoying and she had hated him during her freshman year, but now she found herself actually warming up to him. He was simple, almost one dimensional, and they had both started their fair amount of arguments during her sophomore year. Kirsch almost ruined her career once, but now they were sitting in his house and he had tried to cook for her. She would never have guessed it, but in the end, he was actually kind of sweet. She had given him another chance after Winterfest and it ended with drunken arguments, but at least they had gotten to know each other a bit better. When he had invited her over and offered to be a chef for the night, she could hardly say no. It would be the perfect occasion to watch him make a fool of himself in the kitchen. At least, that’s what she told herself. She was a master of denying her obvious crush on Kirsch. He, on the other hand, was too oblivious to notice.

“Oh my god, Kirsch, this is delicious,” said Danny, when she took a bite of the tortilla. In actual fact, Kirsch's grandma had done most of the work, but he was too proud to admit it to her.

“You see? It wasn't a bad idea after all,” he teased her with a wide grin plastered on his face.

Danny was too preoccupied with stuffing her face to snap at him, an expression of ecstasy on her face. Kirsch kept stealing glances at her, not bothering to wipe sauce from his mouth. He ended up losing track of everything else and just kept watching her. There was just something about the way she moved that simply… entranced him. He couldn’t help but stare at her. It made her want to throw the tortilla in his face.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” she asked, glaring at him and rolling her eyes after a second.

“Because that look on your face makes you look so hot,” he said with a grin. Danny rolled her eyes again, which was almost like a habit when she was around Kirsch. Her friends were worried about her eyes falling out. 

“You're such a sap, Kirsch,” she said and actually grinned, trying to finish her tortilla. It was probably on their third date that Kirsch had really tried to get Danny to let him cook for her. His plea was ridiculous, but in the end she agreed without much of a fight. 

“Isn't that why you love me?” he asked and laughed throatily. Danny almost choked on her soda and started to cough. Kirsch stood up, but she waved him off. He had just caught her off guard was all.

“I'm sorry, but your ego is too big for me,” she said and breathed in, looking at her empty plate.

“You alright?” he inquired, wiping his mouth with a handkerchief. 

“Thank you for the concern, really. Is there anything left?” she picked up her soda and drank it.

“Not really. I only made three of them, but we can watch a movie or something. If you want,” he said with those puppy eyes of his and Danny started to wonder why she let him do it. He stood up and moved to the kitchen, grabbed two packs of chips and threw one to Danny. She caught it and opened, smiling at him widely. They raced to the couch, but obviously the redhead was faster than Kirsch. He groaned but sat next to her, slipping his arm between the couch and her waist. Danny rolled her eyes, but after a moment she leaned in and rested her head on crook of his shoulder. As the opening credits for Die Hard came up on the screen, Danny started to think to herself. She could keep going on about his bad manners or throw insults at him, but in reality she truly cared about this big puppy. He wasn't perfect, but it was enough for her, even if Kirsch almost always got on her nerves. They fit together better than people gave them credit for. Danny leaned in and kissed his cheek and he grinned widely, caressing her shoulder with his spare hand.

***

William came back around three days ago for holiday's break and since his arrival Carmilla hadn’t said a word to him. She was reluctant when it comes to conversations with her brother. He left her when she needed him the most, but Carmilla couldn't really blame him for his departure. Will had a golden opportunity, scholarship and college far away from their mother’s claws. He was the last filler in their family and the only person she could talk to about Ell. He truly loved and appreciated his sister, offering her endless support and someone to vent to. They often argued about frivolous things, but there were never any hard feelings between them. It was a relief to Carmilla; she had a few acquaintances, but they weren't worth talking about her problems to them. It was quite uncomfortable and awkward for Carmilla to be open about her issues, especially if it wasn't William. He was her honest advisor, companion and someone who wouldn’t judge, even if he liked to be sassy sometimes. That's why she appreciated him; they both were mischievous. It ran in their blood.

Carmilla sat at the opposite end of the long table in their dining room. It was big enough to have a feast for around thirty people. She never knew why their father bought it in the first place, she could only assume it served him well during his work meetings. Carmilla didn't live in a house so much as a mansion. It was weird. Considering the fact that the only people living there at the moment were herself and her mother, plus three servants, who spent most of their time cleaning the mansion. It would have been rundown if her mother hadn’t invested in extra help. Carmilla always wondered why they hadn’t just moved to a regular old apartment after her father had died and only one real answer came to her - her mother admired power and would try to keep it even as they slowly ran out of money to keep the mansion renovated. William, on the other hand, sat in front of her with a grimace plastered on his face. It was almost comical. Carmilla put her feet on the table, rocking in the chair. 

“Why are you so quiet, Kitty?” he asked and gazed at her. It would have made her shiver in another situation, but not today.

“I have nothing to say, momma's boy,” she snickered.

“How are you doing in school?” he quipped with masked curiosity. It was fresh, when he was finally truly interested in something.

“As good as it can be under our mother's surveillance,” she bit her bottom lip.

“Have you made any friends?” he rested his elbows on the table, propping his chin up with the back of his hands.

Carmilla considered her answer for a moment, trying not to look at him. They were sort of friends, weren't they?

“I did. She's the straightest person I've ever met, William,” she said, trying to hide the flicker of sadness in her voice. 

“That’s never stopped you, Kitty,” he grinned so widely Carmilla could see his canines.

“This is none of your business, lackwit,” she gritted out, her jaw clenched. She tried desperately to stay calm and apathetic, focusing her intense gaze on the table in front of her. 

“Someone is angry. Tell me, Carmilla, who is she? Why are you upset? Is she your girlfriend? Soon-to-be-one?” he asked.

“Laura is naïve, devoted, provincial and wound up way too tight,” she said, sighing. Carmilla wanted to murder him whenever he started his little interrogation sessions.

“Unlike Ellie,” at that, her jaw clenched so hard her teeth almost fell out. She threw daggers at him with her gaze. Carmilla once loved her dearly, but slowly the feeling turned into adoration and abhorrence. It sounded like a paradox, but there wasn't another way to describe it.

“No one can be like her, William. Stop dragging her into it,” she hissed.

“What do you want to do with her, Kitty?” he corrected himself.

“Nothing, momma's boy. She's oblivious, annoying, innocent and alas, straight. I told you before, she's not going to magically turn gay because of me. Even if she did, there's no way someone like her wants to be with a broken person,” she said with no emotion in her voice. Carmilla had an apathetic facade on her face again. 

“You're blunt and pathetic. I expected more from you, really. Why don't you give it a try? Are you afraid, Carmilla?” he seemed intrigued. He observed her like a predator waiting for his pray to stumble. Carmilla rose from her seat and hit the table with her hands. She knew William wanted to help her, but his efforts were less than successful. It made her more than angry.

“I did, meathead! I've kissed her, for fuck's sake! Why are you interested so much in my love life? Where is your boyfriend? Where is Lewis? Oh, I forgot, you broke up with him! Tell me, why have you been single for over a year? Are you still hung up on him? Pathetic, momma's boy! You want someone who won't love you back!” she screamed, visibly angry. William's eyebrows rise so high they almost violated his hairline. However, he smiled hiding his hurt behind white teeth.

“Love is selfish, Carmilla, the more ardent the more selfish. Stop caring about rejection and getting hurt again, it will do you some good. Let yourself be alive and young, mistakes happen! Actually, you know, Lewis was straight with an “exception” for me,” he said with a wink and stood up, walking out of the dinner room without another word. Carmilla could no longer stand him nor this room, so she followed him and went to her bedroom, smacking the door hard behind her.

***

LaFontaine was leaning on the contour, with their hands interlaced together. They were observing Perry fighting with a pastry bag and gingerbread. She was decorating these little men with frosting. It was hilarious to see Perr with an angry grimace on her face, trying to squeeze the bag harder. Soon, she ran out of icing and rolled her eyes. LaFontaine had dreamiest expression, with eyelids half closed and a smile forming on their lips. Perry had to look away and focus on her job or she would have spent another five minutes just looking at them. They were a perfect distraction just with that face, so at least they didn't try to do anything else. LaF loved to see Perry's eyes flashing with a glimpse of passion. Every time she spoke about something she was interested in, LaFontaine couldn't stop staring at her. Meanwhile, Perry appreciated the love hidden in their eyes.

“How is it?” they asked.

“Well, now we have to wait until it's done,” she said and moved to wash her hands, still with an apron on her. Perry grabbed the tray and pushed it into oven.

“Do you want to do something meanwhile?” they moved closer, putting their hands on her waist. Lola bit her bottom lip.

“Oh, no no, Sus—LaFontaine. You know my father could be here any second,” she said and tried to back off, but LaF kissed her and pushed to lean against the contour.

“Don't you like our little, sloppy make out sessions?” they breathed in between the kisses.

“I love them,” she said and pulled them closer, leaning it. They immediately could feel the heat and blush creeping up on their cheeks. Perry clasped her hands on LaF's green shirt's sleeves. 

While they were sticking their hands under her purple turtleneck, someone suddenly turned in keys and Perry moved away from LaFontaine as fast as she could, acting like they burned her hands. Her eyes were wide open, with terror spreading across her face. LaFontaine touched her arm in a soothing manner, but Perry just turned away and focused on the oven instead of them. Someone in the living room stumbled and fell apart, probably throwing something at the floor. A loud thump echoed in the kitchen and LaFontaine caressed Perry's arm. She was mortified, looking ready to vomit. It was painful to glance at her in that state. It was far worse when her dad walked in, almost falling when he reached the other side of the contour. He was drunk, wearing one of his the best suits. Sometimes he drank and came home late, so Lola didn't have to look at him in that state. It always worried her how tolerant her mother was of his behaviour. She didn't say a word when he was sleeping intoxicated on the couch. When he wasn't drinking, he kept an iron grip on the family, always strict and without mercy.

“Where is--,” he slurred and his hand clenched on the tabletop. Lola turned to face him and went to give him a hand. LaFontaine's fists tightened and they breathed in, jaw clenched really hard. Perr gave them a hopeless smile, with a glimpse of pain in her eyes.

“Food, Lola. Where's my dinner, Susan?!” he screamed and locked his gaze with LaF. They wanted to shrink and walk away, but Perry tried desperately to keep him under control and stop him from falling. It made LaFontaine's heart break, to see her struggle so much with someone. They walked over and grabbed his other arm.

“Let's move him to his room,” they said behind clenched teeth and tried to pull him with Perry.

“Okay, just, be careful,” she said with a weak voice and LaFontaine gave her a reassuring smile. They both pulled him to the stairs, trying to walk with him. He screamed and knocked down something, but no one seemed to care what it was. After reaching his room they pushed him on the bed, and when he wanted to stand up he stumbled and fell. LaFontaine grabbed Perry and walked out of the room, closing the door as hard as they could. Lola tried to keep a straight face while jogging to the kitchen, but LaF felt something was off.

“Wait, Perr, are you alright?” she stopped and breathed in, looking at the oven. LaF couldn't help but frown.

“Cookies are almost done, LaF. Can you give me a plate?” she said, her voice high pitched. Perry preferred to act like everything was okay and normal. She wanted to have a decent family, without a father with alcoholic problems and a mother with depression who refused to deal with her drunken husband. It was too much for Lola to handle her father alone, especially when he was a far worse man sober. She wanted to stop pretending she cared about him, when he didn't even bother to check on her. Also, he was obnoxious to LaFontaine. 

“Are you alright, Perr?” they said, coming closer to her. Suddenly, Perry turned around and buried her nose in the crook of LaF's neck. They hugged her, pulling her closer. They traced the same pattern on her back with their spare hand. 

“My dad, he's, he's--” she was cut off with LaF kissing her forehead.

“You don't have to say anything, Perr. I got your back,” they said, smiling sadly. 

“Thank you, LaFontaine,” she whispered, kissing their cheek. Perry started to tremble. LaFontaine wiped her tears with her thumb.

The silence was broken with a loud beep coming from the oven.

***

Laura was sitting on the bench in front of the park. It was already dark and chilly outside, and people were hiding deep inside their houses. No one dared to walk around in weather like that, unless they needed to let a dog out. Without cars on the road, it was peaceful. The blondie was alone, almost shivering because of how cold it was. She wanted to scream and slap Carmilla for not showing up on time. She was already ten minutes late and Laura couldn't handle it for long. However, she wanted to stay longer because of the brunette. She closed her eyes for what seemed like a second and drifted off. Suddenly, someone tapped her shoulder and she snorted, almost jumping.

“I'm awake, I'm awake,” she said without opening her eyes. Someone chuckled and offered her a hand. Slowly, the blondie started to regain her composure. 

“You look cute with that distraught face, sweetheart,” a raspy voice echoed in Laura's ears. Laura smiled, taking her hand. She was standing now but she didn't let go, nor did Carmilla. 

“You’re late - I almost froze to death waiting for you!” she said in a playful tone. The brunette smiled toothily.

“Sorry for that, cutie. It was important business.” She dropped her hand and started to walk. Laura tried to hide her disappointment and followed her. They moved in a comfortable silence until they were closer to the Zetas’ party. Actually, one of them hosted it, but it seemed like everyone from school was here, nonetheless if they were brothers or not. Laura could spot girls from her team as well before they entered the house.

“Are you sure you want to stay here, cupcake?” Carmilla asked. Then she flinched when she saw two people kissing on the doorway. She had the most disgusted expression on her face known to man. Laura laughed at her but Carmilla just gasped, walking past them as fast as they could. Neither of them batted an eye, and the blondie flashed as fast as possible without staring. People who knew no personal boundaries and kissed like that everywhere at a party were the worst. Carmilla’s eyes rolled probably three times since she stopped in the hallway, glaring at everyone with disdain. It wasn't even 11 P.M. and two guys were playing beer pong in the living room. 

The house was so big it could have been a mansion. Somehow, it made Carmilla feel better. Laura slowly joined her and pulled her by her elbow. For a second, the brunette had the air knocked out of her, and unfortunately, she forgot to breathe.

“Carm, can you hear me? Want a beer?” asked Laura when they stood in front of a fridge. Carmilla couldn't hear anything around her. She was fully focused on Laura, who grabbed two beers from the machine. She was smiling sincerely to her, radiating positivity for a mile. The brunette couldn't stop thinking about William's words. He knew how to get under her skin easily and it made her want to groan. Carmilla wanted to appreciate every inch of Laura's pretty face before she saw her snapping her fingers in front of her.

“Uh, what? Yeah,” she forced herself out of her rumination and took a beer. Carmilla opened it with ease and ran her free hand through her hair. She was openly staring again. It wasn't like they didn't spend time together, because they did. Since their last argument they hung out in school half the time, mostly because of God's intervention, which Carmilla didn’t believe in. Now, everything was different. The brunette thought about the last party they both went to. She was almost sure she fucked up with that kiss, but Laura still spoke to her. It was too similar to the last time they were drunk, and now only two hours separated them from the New Year, and the kiss. Carmilla had to stop thinking about that forcefully, letting her doubts take control of her thoughts. She loved to spend time with Laura and she didn't want to ruin it. The brunette was even okay with acting like Laura's friend, purposely torturing herself and shutting out her desires.

Because Laura was the only one person since Ellie who gave her a chance, even if Carmilla was horrible to her. The first one who saw her every façade and still stayed by her side, even if she was ungrateful and unworthy. 

She loved to kept telling that to herself.

“Want to go to the patio?” quipped Laura and took Carmilla's hand before she had the chance to speak. They both walked outside, and to the brunette' relief, there weren’t as many people as the rest of the house. No kissing couples either, which reminded her too much of Christmas. Carmilla proceeded to drink her beer while leaning on the balustrade. Laura was gazing intensely at her own can with disgusted grimace. It was easy to forget neither of them were even seventeen. 

“Do you like stars, sweetie?” she asked, looking up. 

“They're beautiful,” said Laura, following the brunette's gaze.

“It's comforting to think how small we are in comparison to stars and galaxies. All of those people we've been. We’ll die one day, but the universe is going to still spin around like nothing happened,” she said in a dreamy voice, and Laura couldn't stop but stare at her.

“No wonder you keep reading all those philosophy books,” she said, half smiling. 

“Do you know any constellations, sweetheart?” queried Carmilla.

“Well, my dad once told me a legend about a smaller and larger bear when I was little. I guess this is Ursa Major and that smaller one is Ursa Minor,” she said and traced a pattern around some stars with her index finger. Carmilla didn't even look at the constellation. Instead, her gaze was fixated on Laura's tongue stuck behind her lips, one eye closed. She was extremely focused on her task and ignored Carmilla eying her. 

“Well done, cutie. Now, look at that one, see?” Carmilla moved closer and took her hand gently, standing behind Laura. The brunette could feel heat radiating from the other one's palms. She breathed in and traced a pattern with her finger.

“That’s the winged horse, Pegasus. It's one of the ten biggest constellations that can be seen by the naked eye,” she said, smiling. Laura was wide eyed, staring with wonder at stars.

Carmilla kept talking about constellations like it was the only thing she knew for what seemed like hours, and Laura couldn't stop looking at that passionate glimpse in brunette's eyes when she spoke. The blondie didn’t dare interrupt her monologue.

***

Carmilla took Laura's hand and walked with her to the front of the house, more specifically the porch. People were gathering in the courtyard to see fireworks and blast off them, so rest of the rooms were deserted so far. It was good for the brunette, who now sat on the stairs that lead to door. Laura was besides her, who gape at the cars across the street. Occasionally someone was passing by, but the neighbourhood is too quiet considering what day it is. 

“Any New Year's resolution, cupcake?” asked Carmilla breaking the comfortable silence. 

“I never really thought about it. To be honest, I just want to pass all of my classes and win the tournament. What about you?” she said quietly and Carmilla smiled. It was obvious, really. 

“I don't have any resolution,” she smiled sadly and Laura took her hand in hers. Again, Carmilla wanted to yank her arm but she didn't. It was a bliss to have that kind of intimate moment with the blondie. It made the brunette's head feel light, and something warm was creeping from her hands to face. 

“Why? Don't you have something you always wanted to do? Dreams or anything like that?” asked Laura with concerned expression, and Carmilla couldn't help but smile. It was heartfelt that she actually seemed to care enough.

“I have only one, cupcake. I'll tell you what is it after midnight, if you're patient,” she winked and Laura broke the eye contact, with a slight blush creeping on her face. 

“Fine, do as you please,” she stated and Carmilla chuckled. It was such a pleasant sound to Laura's ears, she had to turn her head and look at the brunette again. Her eyes were shining, with that unknown emotion hidden deeply between them. She stared at Laura with something she thought was long gone after Ellie's departure. 

They talked for the next ten minutes, until something blasted above their head. It was like sound of zillion fireworks at once, while there were only ten at it finest. Laura jumped and Carmilla had to hold her arm so she wouldn't fell from the stairs. Someone started to scream numbers, which seemed to be counting till midnight.

“Five!” Carmilla breathe in and leaned closer to Laura, while the other one closed her eyes tightly and swallowed large gulp forming in her throat. Part of her wanted to kiss Carmilla until she won't forget her name, but other side desperately wished to push her back and run. This strange mixture of emotions made her anxious. Laura obviously liked Carmilla and she couldn't keep her hands or eyes off her, but she tried to be blind to that. Her friends reassured her it's not wrong, but after her first hand meeting with jock she was slightly afraid of people's opinion. However, when Laura had Carmilla by her side, everything seemed to be less scary and unimportant. She forgot about everything, her worries, family and fear.

“Three!” a whole crowd yelled. The brunette's eyes were dark, foggy with something that seemed too much like wistful. Laura clasped her hands on Carmilla's leather jacket sleeves and pulled her close, kissing her hastily. Carmilla surpassed a small moan escaping her throat and slipped her hands on Laura's waist, moving closer to her. The blondie sure as hell looked like tomato right now, blushing furiously. She could hear blood pumping in her ears and her heart pounding so fast it was unbelievable. Bliss took over her entire body and she completely forgot about anxiety. Carmilla's tongue traced the other one's bottom lip and Laura was sure her heart stopped for seconds. The brunette's hands gripped tightly on the blondie's jacket, like she was some form of a lifesaver. 

“Zero!” and now everything was just a distant sound of fireworks, with various colours gleaming and lightening up entire sky. Carmilla pulled away first and Laura could feel her hot, hasty breath on her face. She didn't dare to open her eyes, but she was smiling like never before. It wasn't drunk kiss, it was fully consensual and initiated by the tiny girl.

“This is what I've always wanted to do,” she whispered near Laura's ear and her eyes shot wide open. She could see faint blush on the other one's face and her big grin. Carmilla's raspy voice send a shiver down the blondie's spine. She almost straddled the brunette when she heard door recrudescence. The blondie almost immediately jumped backwards, hitting the balustrade with her back. She groaned and saw Carmilla's face feel, trying to hide her shock and disappointment. 

“Hello there, nerd hottie, sexy hottie,” Kirsch greeted them and stumbled down the stairs, now standing in front of the porch. Approximately four other boys followed him and slowly Danny joined with a few of the girls from their team. She was frowning and rolled her eyes, smiling briefly when her eyes locked with Laura's. 

“Wanna join us, hotties? This is going to be awesome!” he muttered, visibly drunk. Danny took his hand and send Laura plea in her gaze. She shook her head and looked at Carmilla, who had unreadable expression plastered on her face.

“For what? What is going on?” she asked and Danny waltzed off with Kirsch before he could say anything.

It was too much déjà vu for Carmilla to handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make it longer, but I had to cut half of it, so I'll continue it in next chapter. I'm sorry guys!


End file.
